Ask Dr. Mona

This is such a good question because this is one of those areas where a lot of us can drift a bit without realizing it.

Validation doesn’t mean we stay in the emotion for a long time. It simply means we acknowledge it. Something as simple as “You’re really disappointed” is often enough. From there, you can move forward. “It’s okay to feel sad, and we still need to brush teeth.” That’s not dismissing the feeling. It’s showing her that emotions are welcome, but they don’t cancel the plan.

Where many emotionally aware parents get stuck is feeling like we need to keep talking about the feeling until it fully resolves. You really don’t. If there’s nothing urgent to move on to, you can acknowledge it once and then stay calmly nearby. “I’m here if you want a hug.” After that, let her be. Repeatedly revisiting it can unintentionally keep the spotlight on the mood and stretch it out longer than it needs to.

And yes, redirection is absolutely okay. After you’ve named the emotion, it’s healthy to offer a shift. “Do you want to draw with me or go outside for a bit?” That isn’t ignoring how she feels. It’s teaching her that we can experience something hard and still choose what we do next. If she resists and seems determined to stay sad, you can calmly say, “Okay, I’ll be right here,” and continue on with what you’re doing. Often, the moment passes faster once we stop trying so hard to fix it.

At the end of the day, this really comes back to balance. Warmth and expectations living side by side. Feelings are not dismissed, and they also don’t take over the entire household. When validation starts to replace boundaries entirely, things can feel unsteady. The sweet spot is empathy paired with clear expectations, “I see you’re sad” and “We’re still doing this” in the same breath.

If it helps to zoom out and look at how parenting styles can drift when warmth or expectations outweigh the other, there’s a past newsletter that breaks down that balance and why high warmth paired with high expectations remains the gold standard.

If she’s waking up calling for you, seems scared, and settles once you go in, that really does sound more like nightmares than night terrors. Nightmares are very common once kids hit the toddler and preschool years, especially as imagination starts growing.

Nightmares usually show up as a full wake-up. They may cry out for you, seem frightened, and sometimes even tell you about a “scary dream.” These dreams often connect to something from their day. A new experience, a small fear, or even something that seemed minor to us but felt big to them. Being overtired, stressed, or seeing scary images (even things that don’t seem scary to adults) can also make them more likely.

You’re already doing the most important thing by going in and settling her. When you go in, keep the lights dim and your voice low. Instead of saying, “It was nothing,” try something like, “Did you have a scary dream? You’re safe.” That acknowledges the fear without reinforcing that the dream was real. Rub her back, help her calm down, and once she’s settled, gently let her know, “You’re safe. I’ll see you in the morning,” before leaving.

If nightmares are happening often, it can help to zoom out and look at the daytime routine. Make sure she’s getting enough sleep and not overtired. Overtired kids tend to have more fragmented sleep. It can also help to talk about worries during the day when things feel calm. Sometimes giving fears words in daylight keeps them from showing up as strongly at night. Keep an eye on what she’s exposed to, like news in the background, older siblings’ shows, even conversations about scary topics. Kids absorb more than we realize.

Most nightmares are a normal part of development as imagination grows. The goal isn’t to prevent every single one, that’s not realistic, but instead aim for consistency. When she wakes scared, you respond calmly, reassure her she’s safe, and help her settle back to sleep.

If you’d like a deeper breakdown of the difference between sleep regressions, nightmares, and night terrors, this PedsDocTalk podcast episode walks through it in more detail, including what causes them and how to support your toddler.

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Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!