Ask Dr. Mona

It’s great to hear your daughter’s transition to preschool has gone so well overall! What you’re describing at pickup – throwing, running, and even hitting– might feel concerning, but it’s common and often referred to as restraint collapse.

During the school day, she’s likely working hard to follow the rules, interact, and manage her emotions – essentially “holding it together.” By pickup, her emotional tank is empty, and she’s letting out all those big feelings. The fact that she quickly returns to her “normal self” at home is a positive sign – it means she feels safe with you to release those emotions.

You can help by naming her feelings so she can process them, “You’ve had such a busy day at school, and now you’re feeling so many emotions!” This acknowledgment builds emotional awareness while showing her you understand how she is feeling. Here are a few tips to try:

• Create a pickup routine: Predictability helps. Greet her with a hug and say, “I missed you so much! Let’s take three deep breaths before we walk to the car.”

• Offer an outlet: If she’s full of energy, offer an activity to help her release it positively. You could say, “I missed you! Let’s run to that tree and back before we go!”

• Set gentle boundaries: If she hits or throws, stay calm and gently redirect, “I can’t let you hit me, but we can clap if you’re feeling excited!” Setting limits with an alternative can help her understand what to do.

• Prep ahead: Talk about pickup when she is calm. For example, “When I pick you up from school, I know you might feel excited or tired. What can we do together to make leaving school easier?” Involve her in brainstorming to give her a sense of control.

Restraint collapse is a common part of adjusting to preschool and transitions. With time and consistency, she will learn to handle those moments more smoothly. Check out this PedsDocTalk blog post for more on restraint collapse, with tips for pickups, meltdowns, and beyond!

At 11 months, your twins are exploring cause and effect– banging on the high chair or throwing food is their way of testing boundaries and engaging with you. Their laughter shows they’re enjoying the reaction they get, even from gentle connections like touching their hands. It’s great that you’re prioritizing keeping the meal going since they're still hungry.

Instead of reacting strongly, stay calm and neutral. Avoid big reactions like saying “no,” as this can feel like part of the game. Instead, use simple phrases like “food stays on the tray” and show them what they can do instead. Children love to mimic, so you can model appropriate behavior by saying, “Like this,” while scooping food with a spoon or bringing it to your mouth.

Positive reinforcement can also work wonders. When they’re using their hands appropriately, make a big deal about it, “Wow! You’re eating so nicely!” or “Great job keeping the food on your tray!” Celebrating the behavior you want to see helps reinforce it and shifts the focus away from unwanted actions. The more they practice this, the more it will come naturally to them.

Offering smaller portions at a time can minimize mess and help them stay focused. If they continue banging or throwing, a quick reset– like wiping their hands or giving them a sip of water– can help redirect their energy without ending the meal. With patience and consistent reinforcement, they’ll gradually learn what’s expected at mealtime.

Ask Dr. Mona

Ask Dr. Mona all your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!