Ask Dr. Mona

It can feel draining when your child insists, “Mama do it” for everything, even with dad right there, ready to help. Parental preference is a very common phase in toddlerhood. It doesn’t mean your child doesn’t love or trust dad. It’s more about seeking comfort, control, and predictability in a world that often feels overwhelming.

Think of it this way: toddlers are the CEOs of routine. If they’ve decided “mama puts on the shoes,” then any change in that plan can feel really big to them. Cue the meltdown.

The key is finding balance. Sometimes it’s fine to lean in and let mom help if it avoids a battle. But it’s also important to gently stretch your child’s flexibility. Here are a few ways the non-preferred parent can step in:

• Validate and hold the boundary: “I know you want mommy, but I’m going to help this time. I know it feels hard.”

• Offer a simple choice: “Do you want me to start with your left shoe or your right shoe?”

• Redirect: “I know you love mommy. Mommy will give you a hug after, but right now, I get to help. Which book should we read tonight?”

• Bring the silly: “You love mommy, I love mommy too! But today I get to help. Let’s see if these shoes make you run faster than a cheetah.”

• Create “dad jobs”: Give dad consistent routines, like bath time or bedtime stories, so your child builds a predictable connection with both parents.

When your child does accept help from the non-preferred parent, notice it: “Thanks for letting Daddy help. You did a great job.” That kind of recognition reinforces the shift.

Parental preference is tough because it can leave one parent feeling sidelined and the other burned out. Some days you’ll decide it’s easier to just let mom do it, and other days you’ll push for flexibility. Both are okay. This phase won’t last forever, and in the meantime, the real focus is on backing each other up as parents and giving your child chances, little by little, to practice being flexible.

First off, you’re not behind. Plenty of 4-year-olds still need help wiping. Wiping well takes a mix of balance, coordination, attention to detail, and patience. These skills are still coming together at this age. Even when kids say they’re ready, the follow-through can be… let’s just say, less than thorough.

Most kids don’t consistently wipe on their own until closer to 5 or 6. Even then, many parents still do a quick “backup check” for a while. Think of it like brushing teeth. You let them try, but you usually step in after to make sure the job’s really done.

To encourage independence now:

• Hand them the toilet paper first and say, “You try, then I’ll check to make sure you’re all clean.” This gives them practice while keeping hygiene covered.

• Show them how to fold the toilet paper (not crumple!) for better coverage.

• Teach front-to-back wiping, especially important for girls, to reduce the risk of infection.

• Build in a routine: sit, wipe, check, wash hands. The predictability helps.

Over time, they’ll need less and less help. And yes, there will be some misses along the way. But a quick change of underwear is a lot easier than making your child feel bad while they’re learning.

There’s no magic age when kids suddenly wipe perfectly. It’s a gradual process that comes with practice, patience, and support. By letting them try while still backing them up, you’re setting them up for independence and keeping things hygienic in the meantime.

Ask Dr. Mona

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Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!