Ask Dr. Mona

The hard part here is that you’re trying to protect yourself without making her feel like you’re pulling away. Since moving away seems to make her follow and hit more, another option is to hold the boundary while staying close. You can stay nearby and still keep your body safe.

When she comes toward you hitting, try blocking instead of continuing to retreat. Use your hands to stop the hit, turn your body slightly away, or place a pillow between you. Keep the language simple: “I won’t let you hit me. I’m staying right here.” She probably can’t take in a longer explanation while she’s that upset.

A few things to try:

Give her body something else to do. A hug may be too much in that moment, so try something more physical: “You can squeeze this pillow,” or or “Push your hands into mine.” She may not go for it right away, but you’re showing her what she can do with that anger besides hitting you.

Say the connection part out loud. Try, “You’re really mad, and you want me close. I’m here, and I won’t let you hit me.” You don’t have to pull away completely to hold the boundary, and you also don’t have to let her keep reaching your body.

Pay attention to your own limit. Being hit repeatedly can become triggering, even when it doesn’t physically hurt. If you feel your anger rising, create enough space to stay in control: “I’m getting frustrated, so I’m going to stand right here and keep us safe.” Staying connected doesn’t mean absorbing hits until you lose your patience.

Once she’s calm, that’s when the teaching can happen. Keep it brief: “You were really angry, and you hit me. I stayed close, and I won’t let you hit. Next time you can stomp, squeeze a pillow, or say, ‘I’m mad.’” Then practice one of those options together when she isn’t upset, because that’s when it’s much easier for her to learn it.

If the hitting becomes very frequent, intense, difficult to interrupt, or starts happening across settings, bring it up with her pediatrician. For more on why kids get physical when they’re overwhelmed and how to respond to hitting, biting, kicking, and more, check out this PedsDocTalk YouTube video.

At two, it’s important to keep in mind that sitting on the toilet for long stretches may be asking more than he can manage right now. Many kids this age have a short attention span and don’t notice the need to pee until the feeling is suddenly very urgent. The fact that he can make it to the toilet at the last second shows that he’s starting to connect the feeling with what to do, but he may still be early in recognizing those earlier body cues.

Three things especially worth trying:

• Make sure he feels steady. A small potty on the floor may be easier than the big toilet. If he uses the toilet, add a seat insert and a stool so his feet are supported. It’s hard to relax when your legs are dangling and you feel like you might fall in.

• Keep the sit short and predictable. Offer the potty at natural times, like after waking, before leaving the house, or before a bath. Instead of asking him to sit until he goes, use a clear ending: “We’ll sit while we sing one song.” A minute or two is enough.

• Give him something small to do while he sits. Potty books, bubbles, or one simple toy can help him stay there long enough to relax and see whether anything happens. If he says he doesn’t have to go, let him get up and try again later rather than turning it into a battle.

If he’s on the younger side of two and every attempt feels like a struggle, it’s also okay to pause and try again later. Readiness isn’t only about being able to pee in the toilet. He also needs to sit comfortably, notice what his body is telling him, and participate without the potty becoming a daily power struggle.

For now, keeping the toilet comfortable and predictable will help him learn to recognize the feeling before it becomes an emergency. And since poop often takes longer, you don’t have to tackle everything at once.

For everything in one place, whether you’re thinking about potty training, getting ready to start, already in it, or trying again after a rough first attempt, the PedsDocTalk No-Pressure Potty Training Course walks through readiness, different approaches, common setbacks, and scripts you can use along the way.

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