Ask Dr. Mona

You’re in the spot so many parents land in once they hear, “don’t say you’re okay.” Brushing off her feelings feels wrong, but turning every tiny bump into a five-minute event feels like too much.

Here’s the reframe that helps. The “you’re okay” advice was never about her feelings being fragile. It’s that “you’re okay” tells her how to feel before she’s had a chance to figure it out herself. At 3, she’s still learning to read her own body. A bump happens, she looks to you, and she’s asking a real question: “Was that a big deal or a small one?” Your job is to stay calm and let her sort out the answer, with you as the steady reference point.

A few things to try:

• Lead with a neutral observation instead of a verdict. “You bumped your knee. I saw that.” This shows her you noticed without telling her how big it was. Then pause and let her show you. Most of the time, a quick check-in is all she needs before she runs off again.

• Let your body do the reassuring. Kids read our faces and tone more than our words. If you stay relaxed and your voice stays even, that tells her a lot. A big gasp or worried scramble can make a small bump feel bigger than it was.

• Offer comfort without inflating it. “Do you want a hug or a kiss on it?” gives her a path to feel better and move on. You’re meeting the need and keeping it simple.

• Name what you see, then trust her. “That surprised you. You’re rubbing your elbow.” Then wait. Often she’ll decide on her own that she’s ready to go play again, which is exactly the muscle you want her to build.

If she seems genuinely more sensitive to pain than other kids her age, bruises easily or in places that don’t match normal toddler tumbles, or the distress feels out of step with the injury again and again, it’s worth mentioning to her pediatrician. But for most kids this age, a calm and steady response is exactly what helps them learn to gauge little bumps on their own over time.

You’ve already got the most important part right. Going at your own pace and steering clear of power struggles is exactly what keeps potty training from turning into a battle. So if a reward chart fits your kid, it can be a great little tool.

Here’s the thing that gets lost in all the mixed advice: a reward system is different than a bribe. A bribe sounds like, “C’mon, if you pee in the toilet I’ll give you a sticker. Don’t you want a sticker?” A reward comes after the fact: “Yay! You peed in the potty. Let’s add a sticker.”

A sticker chart tends to work well for kids 2 and up, since they have to understand the concept for it to mean anything. A lot of kids this age love it because it gives them a sense of control and it’s genuinely fun.

A few ideas that help a reward chart actually work:

• Keep it positive, never a punishment. When they go, it’s “Yay! You peed in the potty, you get to put a sticker on the chart.” When they have an accident, skip the “no sticker because you had an accident.” That flips it into shame fast. Go with, “Let’s try again later. I know you can do it,” instead.

• Build in a small goal they can see. Something like five stickers earns a surprise. Have her count the circles with you so the finish line feels real. The prize can be whatever lands for her: a small toy, ice cream, or a special outing with you.

• Let her be the one to place the sticker. That tiny bit of ownership is a big part of why charts click for this age. It’s hers to do.

• Plan to phase it out. The chart is there to get the ball rolling, not to stick around forever. Once they’re using the potty consistently and starting to tell you they need to go, you can stretch out the stickers and let them fade. Most kids don’t fall apart just because the reward fades. By then, the habit is starting to do the work.

One more thing worth holding onto: the chart is a helper, but you are the real reinforcement. The hugs, the high fives, the “way to go!” matter more than any sticker, and those stick around long after the chart comes down.

If you want the full walk-through, the PedsDocTalk No-Pressure Potty Training Course has a whole section on reward systems, including how to set up a chart, when to phase it out, and what to do if it stalls. There’s even a printable potty chart in there ready to go.

PDT Real Talk Series

This month’s question is:

Summer with kids can be fun, but it can also be a lot of hours to fill. Some days you have the energy for an outing, and some days the big plan is bubbles in the driveway, a snack plate on the floor, or making it to bedtime with everyone mostly okay.

So this month, we want to know what your family is actually leaning on right now.

Maybe it is a library story time, a backyard activity, a toy that keeps getting used, an easy snack setup, a way you handle the heat, or a little routine that makes the day feel less chaotic. Think of something another parent could read and think, “Oh, I can try that this week.”

Please share your response using the link below. Submit by July 24th to be included in the giveaway. The winner will be notified by email, and selected responses may be featured in the July Real Talk Newsletter.

Ask Dr. Mona

Ask Dr. Mona all your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!