Ask Dr. Mona

Some children are ready to walk into a new environment and start exploring right away. Others need time to take everything in first. They may want to stay close, watch what is happening, and slowly decide when they feel ready to join. Kids have different temperaments, and that is okay.

You are already doing something really helpful by preparing her for new experiences when you can. Talking through what will happen at the doctor’s office or explaining where you are going gives her a sense of predictability.

Of course, life with a toddler does not always come with advance notice. For those unexpected moments, here are a few things to try:

• Stay close and give her time to observe. Holding your hand, sitting on your lap, or watching from the sidelines can be exactly what she needs at first.

• Keep your words simple and reassuring. You could say, “This is a new place. We can look around together,” or, “You can stay with me while you get comfortable.”

• Help other adults understand what she needs. If someone is encouraging her to say hi or jump into an activity, you can gently say, “She likes to warm up for a little while first.”

• Talk about the experience afterward. Try, “You went somewhere new today. You stayed close until you felt ready, and then you started to explore. That was brave.”

Ryaan needed a lot of easing into new experiences at this age too. When we started activities like soccer and gymnastics, some days he participated and other days he sat with me and watched. I reminded myself that watching still counted. He was learning that the environment was safe, that I was nearby, and that he could join when he felt ready. Over time, the unfamiliar became familiar. I share more about what helped us through new experiences with Ryaan in this blog post.

Keep offering her opportunities to experience new places and people without rushing her through the warm-up period. Showing up, observing, and slowly becoming more comfortable are meaningful steps. You’re doing a great job noticing what helps your daughter feel secure while still giving her room to explore her world.

Four can catch parents off guard. Kids this age have strong opinions and very specific ideas about how something should happen, but they are still learning how to handle disappointment and communicate what they need when emotions take over.

Sometimes, you may have no idea that your child wanted to push the button, move the object, or complete the task himself until it is already done. And once he is extremely upset, putting it back may not fix the situation. At that point, the original issue has often become much bigger in his mind and body.

In the moment, here are a few things to try:

• Acknowledge the disappointment without rushing to solve it. Try, “You really wanted to do that yourself. I didn’t know. You’re upset.”

• Keep your language simple. When he is already overwhelmed, long explanations or lots of questions may frustrate him even more. You can say, “I’m here. We can talk when you’re ready.”

• Respond calmly when he says, “You never listen to me.” Instead of correcting him in the moment, try, “It feels like I didn’t listen. I want to hear you.”

• Hold boundaries when needed. If he starts hitting, throwing, or yelling at someone, you can say, “It’s okay to feel angry. I won’t let you hurt me.”

Later, when everyone is calmer, help him practice what he can say next time: “I wanted to do that,” or, “Can I have a turn?” You can also talk through the moment together: “I didn’t know you wanted to move it. Next time, tell me so I can understand.”

It may also help to notice when these reactions happen most often. Are they more frequent when he is tired, hungry, overstimulated, transitioning between activities, or needing connection? Sometimes the tiny moment is simply the final straw after his body has already had a lot to manage.

And when this happens four or five times in one day, staying calm can feel really hard for parents too. It is okay to pause, take a breath, or tag in another caregiver when you can. If you lose your patience, repair afterward: “I was frustrated and I raised my voice. I’m sorry. I’m going to try again too.”

I talked more about what can sit underneath defiance and meltdowns, and how we can support  big kids through these big feelings, in this PedsDocTalk podcast episode with Alyssa Campbell.

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