Ask Dr. Mona

When you have parents or in-laws who love your kids and want to be involved, this can be a tricky balance. You may really value that relationship and want them to feel included, while also knowing that you’re the parent now and there may be things you’re choosing to do differently.

I would approach the conversation with appreciation and transparency, especially since you feel they would be open to hearing you. It can help to name that you value their love and involvement, while also being clear that you and your partner may make different choices for your family. That difference is not meant to criticize how they raised their own children. Parenting also looks different now in some ways, and every family has its own goals, values, and needs.

It also helps to decide ahead of time what is truly worth addressing. Some things may be non-negotiable for your family, like car seat safety, sleep safety, food allergies, discipline, or how people speak to your child. Other things may be preferences you can let go of a little more, like an extra treat, a later bedtime during a special visit, or a silly grandparent tradition.

A few scripts that may help:

• “We know this may look different than how you did it, but this is what feels right for our family.”

• “We’re not saying your way was wrong. We’re just making a different choice here.”

• “This is one of the things we’re trying to be consistent with, so it would really help if everyone could be on the same page.”

• “We want the kids to have fun with you, and we also need this boundary to stay in place.”

Like all boundaries, sometimes there are hard feelings. But it’s still a conversation worth having if it means a lot to you. Sometimes people need a little time to adjust. The goal is to keep the relationship warm while also being clear that you’re allowed to parent your child in a way that works best for your family.

For more thoughts on this, including my own experience, the PedsDocTalk blog post “Setting Boundaries With Grandparents” talks more about choosing your non-negotiables, staying calm when comments feel triggering, and involving grandparents in ways that still feel comfortable for your family.

Biting can feel really stressful because it is one of those behaviors that gets an immediate reaction, especially when other children are involved. Toddlers often bite because they are frustrated, overstimulated, teething, hungry, bored, or trying to communicate before they have the words or impulse control to handle the moment differently.

The goal is to stay calm, stop the behavior, and teach what they can do instead. In the moment, keep it brief since long explanations usually get lost when a toddler is already dysregulated. You can say:

Then move them away from the situation or help their body take a break. Try not to yell, laugh, ask “Why did you do that?” or overexplain in the heat of the moment. Toddlers usually cannot answer that question in a meaningful way, and the big reaction can sometimes make the behavior more interesting to repeat.

When things are calm, that is when the teaching can happen. Look for patterns: does it happen when he is tired, hungry, teething, crowded by other kids, or frustrated over toys? Does he seem to need more sensory input? Once you see the trigger, you can get ahead of it. You can practice simple phrases like “help,” “my turn,” or “stop,” and offer safe outlets if he seems to need that input, like a teether, frozen washcloth, stuffed animal to squeeze, or a pillow to bite safely.

This usually takes repetition, and it may not stop overnight. But with a calm, consistent response and practice during calmer moments, your toddler can learn that biting others is not how we get needs met.

For more tips, the PedsDocTalk podcast episode on biting, hitting, and throwing talks more about why toddlers use these behaviors, how to respond without shame or overexplaining, and what to do if the biting is happening at daycare.

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Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!