Back-to-School Emotions? Why Your Child’s Tears Make Sense (and What Helps)

Drop-off tears. Clingy goodbyes. End of the day meltdowns in the car seat. If back-to-school season has felt heavier than you expected, you’re not alone, and your child’s reaction makes more sense than it may seem.

Two big emotional hurdles often show up this time of year: separation anxiety and restraint collapse. They’re different, but both are part of something deeply developmental: your child is learning how to feel safe when they’re not with you, and how to process big feelings after working hard to keep it together all day.

Understanding why this happens can help you approach these moments with more calm and confidence, whether your child is starting daycare, heading into preschool, or just feeling the transition of a new routine.

Separation anxiety: Why it peaks during transitions

Separation anxiety usually starts around 9 months and can pop up again throughout the toddler and preschool years, especially during big transitions like starting school or meeting a new caregiver.

Even older toddlers and preschoolers might suddenly start clinging to you. That’s not regression, it’s growth trying to find its footing.

Around 9-18 months, kids start to understand object permanence (aka, “Mom still exists even if I can’t see her”). That’s progress! But it also means they know you’re gone… without yet grasping when you’ll be back. Preschoolers may talk more and wave goodbye, but they still don’t have a great sense of time. To them, an hour can feel like forever without some kind of anchor.

Add in their rising need for control and predictability, and you’ve got the perfect storm for drop-off drama. Not because they’re being difficult, because they’re human.

I remember this stage clearly with Ryaan. 

He started daycare at 13 months, and it took a couple of weeks for him to settle in. I cried in the car after drop-off more than once. It was mid-pandemic. I was torn, I wanted to keep him home, but I also had to work. I knew being in childcare would help socially, but that didn’t make it any easier.

If you’re feeling the same way, sad, unsure, or even guilty, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.

And while it’s okay to cry in the car (been there), what helps your child most is a calm and confident goodbye. That’s what I tried to give Ryaan, even when I felt shaky myself.

What helps?

Keep goodbyes short and confident. Lingering or sneaking out might feel easier in the moment, but kids pick up on your hesitation. A quick, calm routine helps them feel secure. Instead of saying, “I’ll be back at 3,” try using events:

Acknowledge their feelings. Saying goodbye to someone you love is hard, especially when you’re still learning what “goodbye” really means. Instead of brushing it off, validate their emotions:

Use transitional objects. A favorite lovey or even a heart drawn on their hand can work like an emotional “anchor” while you’re apart.

Plan quality time before and after. Even 5 minutes of one-on-one connection before drop-off can help fill their cup. At pickup,  make it warm and celebratory:

Need more ideas? Watch this PedsDocTalk YouTube video on managing separation anxiety.

Restraint collapse: When meltdowns happen after school

Now let’s talk about the other emotional whiplash, what happens at pickup.

Your child’s teacher says they had a great day... and yet the second they see you, they fall apart. They cry, hit, whine, or lose it over the wrong color snack cup.

That’s restraint collapse. And no, they’re not manipulating you.

Throughout the day, your child’s brain is working overtime to hold it together, managing transitions, following rules, and navigating a lot of sensory and emotional input. When they finally see you, their safe person, they can finally let it all out.

Hard? Yes. A sign of trust? Also yes.

What helps?

Start with connection. Before jumping into questions or instructions, offer a smile, a hug, or just your calm presence. This moment is the bridge between two worlds: school and home.

You can even build a fun little ritual: a favorite car song, a silly handshake, or just a predictable snack waiting.

Stay calm during a meltdown. If the tears, whining, or big behaviors start as soon as you reunite, remember, it’s not defiance. It’s emotional overflow from a day spent holding it all in. Take a breath. Your calm helps co-regulate their chaos. Try saying:

No need to fix or explain. Let them cry, flop, or just sit with you. If they don’t want a hug, your quiet, grounded presence is enough.

Ease back into rhythm at home. Keep things simple. Offer a snack, skip the errands, and lean into routine:

Avoid overscheduling. If your child tends to fall apart after school, keep evenings simple. Less stimulation, more calm. Screen-free play, early dinner, or just hanging out can go a long way.

Debrief later on. After the storm has passed and your child is calm, bedtime is often the best window to reconnect and reflect. Try:

This helps kids start connecting their experiences with their emotions, without pressure.

Even at 5 ½, Ryaan still has restraint collapse moments. Sometimes it’s not tears, it’s dysregulation or just needing space. Regulation after a long day is still tough, even for older kids. Honestly, it’s tough for adults, too.

So if your preschooler or early elementary child seems “off” after school, know that big feelings don’t disappear at age 4. They just show up in different ways.

Want more ideas to help with restraint collapse? Read this PedsDocTalk blog post for more on what to do during pick up, during a meltdown, and after.

The big picture

Emotional regulation is a skill, and your child is still learning.

The part of the brain that helps manage big feelings is under construction through the toddler and preschool years (and honestly, still in progress for some adults). So those outbursts aren’t signs that something is wrong. They are signs your child trusts you to be their safe space.

With Vera starting soon, I’m expecting an adjustment period. She’s been separated from me, my husband, and our nanny before, but this is still a big change. Familiarity doesn’t cancel out emotion. Even with prep, transitions take time.

So if your child has a hard time at drop-off, or melts down at pickup, even when you did everything “right,” it’s not a sign you missed something. It’s just part of the process.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But your calm, consistent response is shaping their nervous system, their confidence, and their understanding of what it means to feel and be seen.

These waves won’t last forever. But the way you ride them together? That’s what sticks.

You don’t need to fix it all. Just keep showing up.

On The Podcast

Ever paused at a vaccine insert, googled an ingredient, or felt torn between fear and science?

Dr. Elisabeth Marnik (@sciencewhizliz) wasn’t vaccinated as a child. She grew up in an anti-vax household—but today, she’s a scientist, professor, and mom who vaccinates her own children and helps others feel informed, not fearful.

In this episode, we talk about what changed her mind—and how we move the conversation on vaccines away from shaming and toward shared values like protecting our kids.

In honor of National Immunization Awareness Month, Dr. Mona brings back one of her most important conversations—this time with fellow pediatrician and vaccine advocate, Dr. Nicole Baldwin.

This episode gets personal, practical, and powerful because in a world full of misinformation, hearing directly from two doctors who live this every day can make all the difference.

On YouTube

Getting ready for back-to-school? In this video, I share 7 common mistakes parents make when preparing kids for the first day of school and what to do instead. From adjusting sleep schedules before school starts to handling separation anxiety and morning routines, you’ll get practical tips to help your child feel confident and ready for the new school year.

• How to adjust sleep schedules for school

• Talk about school with calm, steady energy

• Practice separating before the first day

• Build a simple and predictable morning routine

• Teach your child basic independence skills

• Expect big emotions and plan for after-school meltdowns

• Prep yourself emotionally for the transition

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!