A former student at Cornell has brought a lawsuit this month, claiming that she was drugged and raped on several occasions by seven members of a fraternity in 2024, and the local district attorney has since decided to reinstate the investigation. Meanwhile, a series of rape and gang rape cases in India has caused students to take to the streets of New Delhi, and India's Supreme Court has described the recent cases as a failure on the part of the law enforcement authorities. It's 2026, and stories like these are still happening in every country and every kind of community, including our own.

These can feel like rare exceptions, but the data tells a different story. The World Health Organization estimates that nearly 1 in 3 women worldwide have experienced partner or sexual violence in their lifetime, and that number has barely moved in twenty years. In India alone, more than 80 rapes are reported to police every day, and the real number is higher because so many survivors never report. Sexual violence happens in every country and every culture.

Nothing in a parenting newsletter will fully explain cases this extreme. 

And as a pediatrician, but maybe even more importantly as a mother raising both a boy and a girl, it has made me think about something that starts much earlier:

What are we teaching our children regarding the meaning of being a boy, a girl, and eventually a man or woman?

Girls are not perfect by nature and boys aren’t inherently dangerous.

I raise both of my children with the same basic expectations around kindness, respect, compassion, boundaries, and accountability.

But equality doesn’t mean we have to pretend every problem occurs equally.

We need to be able to hold two truths at once:

Boys and men can certainly be victims of sexual violence, and women are capable of committing sexual violence. Their experiences matter and deserve to be taken seriously.

Yet we must not overlook the genuine gender pattern involved in sexual violence against women. According to figures from the CDC, 94 percent of women who were raped said that all the perpetrators against them had been men. A similar pattern is seen in the case of sexual coercion, where more than 93 percent of female victims stated that the perpetrators had been men only.

Admitting that doesn't imply that boys are bad, it doesn't mean that every boy will become a perpetrator, and it also doesn't suggest that girls and women are unable to cause harm.

It means that if we want a physically safer world for girls and women, we have to be willing to look at where the risk is coming from and ask what we can do earlier.

That is where raising boys matters. 

I don't want our response to violence against women to end up giving girls more methods for protecting themselves; instead, prevention should involve the way we teach boys to treat other human beings.

If we want a more physically safe world for girls, we need to create a more emotionally safe world for boys. 

Not by reducing the expectations we have of boys, but by loving them deeply and holding them accountable. 

"He's rough because he's a boy." "He's bothering her because he likes her." "That's just how boys joke." "Boys aren't emotional." "Teenage boys are going to push boundaries."

Most people who say these things aren’t trying to raise boys who hurt people.

True differences do exist between boys and girls. Differences exist in hormones, physical development, reproductive biology, and some average behavioral tendencies. There is also a great deal of variation among boys and among girls. I have come across many gentle little boys who prefer sorting rocks to dealing with anyone, and many girls who climb the bookshelf before breakfast.

Biology should not be used as a justification for showing disrespect, committing cruelty, ignoring someone's consent, or avoiding accountability. The fact that something is physical does not mean it is acceptable to hurt somebody, and having a crush on someone does not make it right to grab them or tease them when they have asked you to stop.

Understanding why a child behaves a certain way doesn't mean accepting the behavior.

In parenting, we encounter this situation all the time. Toddlers bite because their ability to speak has not kept pace with their emotions. Although we have an explanation for the biting, we still tell them not to bite.

The saying "Boys will be boys" becomes a problem when it causes us to have low expectations of boys. In the case of a brother pushing his sister, this sort of behavior is usually dealt with. But when a boy pushes his other brother, it might just receive a shrug and a laugh because well, “boys will be boys.” Behavior tends to flourish in the direction of where parental attention is focused. If rough behavior is met with a laugh rather than a calm response, we end up encouraging the very thing we hope will not develop.

I have a son and a daughter. Yet even though I want the same fundamental things for both of them, I have come across something interesting.

My son likes Legos and cars as well as bows and watching me apply my makeup.

He is as sensitive as I am; he cries when watching sad films since he is greatly affected by what he sees.

And some of those things carry more baggage because he’s a boy.

We’ve spent decades expanding what girls are allowed to be: Girls can play sports. Get dirty. Love science. Be competitive. Become leaders. Wear jerseys. Take up space. Good. Keep going.

Has it then been extended boyhood in the other direction?

A girl playing with trucks barely registers. A boy playing with dolls can still make adults uncomfortable.

A girl in a football jersey? Nobody cares. A boy wearing something sparkly? People notice.

And that makes me wonder:

What are boys learning about girls if anything associated with girls is treated as embarrassing or beneath them?

The fact that my son is sensitive in no way makes him any less of a boy, and at some point in the future it won't make him any less of a man.

If "like a girl" is the most undesirable thing that can be said about a boy, then it should come as no surprise that he ends up disliking girls.

Being masculine should not mean having to dominate others.

It shouldn’t require emotional silence, sexual conquest, never needing help, or proving you’re tougher than everyone around you.

I would like a more extensive definition.

Masculinity can involve strength with self-control. It can mean confidence without entitlement, protection without control, and courage without domination.

It can involve accepting responsibility if you cause someone harm.

Being able to endure rejection without turning the pain into anger towards the person who rejected you.

A man is capable of crying while watching a film, of setting a boundary, of helping somebody who is in difficulty, of respecting a person's refusal, of changing a baby's diaper, of admitting that he is frightened, and of standing up to a friend who is going beyond the line.

This does not in any way diminish his masculinity.

Vulnerability, nurturing, empathy, and compassion are not qualities usually associated with women.

They’re human qualities.

We don’t have to give up strength to be gentle.

Painted nails don't stop sexual violence, and dolls don't make men respectful. The real problem is what children are taught regarding masculinity, femininity, power, relationships, and other people.

Sexual violence has many causes, and no single childhood experience creates a perpetrator. The CDC notes that it rarely comes from one single factor. Research has identified interacting risk factors, including rigid gender norms, sexual entitlement, hostility toward women, peer acceptance of sexual aggression, and norms supporting male superiority. The same CDC page lists what seems to protect against it, like empathy and families where conflict gets worked through peacefully, and those get built at home.

That's why it's important to focus on the little things.

Not since one comment has a child become a dangerous adult.

It is because thousands of ordinary moments contribute to children's understanding of both themselves and other people.

Who matters?
Whose feelings matter?
Whose “no” matters?
What should I do if I don’t get what I want?
What should I do if my friend goes beyond the line?

Children begin to answer these questions well before sex or dating comes into play.

There is no need to give a four-year-old a lesson on sexual consent; we learn it in everyday life.

"Stop" means stop during tickling and wrestling. 
Your body belongs to you. 
Their body belongs to them. 
You don’t have to hug grandma.
Your friend doesn’t have to hug you. 
Someone can stop playing with you even if you still want to play. 
Another person’s boundary doesn’t require your agreement. 
Being a good friend doesn't mean covering for bad behavior. 
You can be angry. You cannot intimidate someone.
You can feel rejected. That doesn’t mean the person who rejected you owes you something.
You can want affection. Nobody owes you affection.
You can be hurt by someone’s boundary. The boundary still stands.

One of the reasons why I care so much about boundaries in parenting (and that's actually why I'm writing a book on the subject) is that whenever we consistently set warm and respectful boundaries, we are showing our children what our family stands for. It's far more than just "because I said so."

We never hit; we stop whenever anybody tells us to. If we cause someone harm we repair it, and we speak out when someone is being harmed.

When they're young, our boundaries are what apply; the hope is that one day they take on their own boundaries, since eventually our children will have a whole range of relationships that will be entirely outside of our involvement. A friend might make a degrading joke. Someone might share a video that they shouldn't. A child might be humiliated in a group chat. At a party someone could be so drunk as to be unable to give consent.

I don't want my son to simply think "I shouldn't do that"; I want him to realize that "Something isn't right here" and then have the courage to react. In some cases, looking out for a friend involves stopping your friend. And at other times, loyalty means saying "Dude, no."

Before you ask a teenager to recognize someone who is vulnerable at a party, you have plenty of time to teach him to notice other people. For example, somebody drops all the things they are holding. A child is sitting by himself at lunchtime. Someone is being laughed at. Someone appears to be frightened. Do you pick it up?

Compassion begins with noticing, which doesn't involve putting yourself in danger or attempting to save everybody but simply lifting your eyes long enough to see another person. As time goes on, noticing develops into realizations such as 'My friend isn't listening to her', 'She said no', and 'He needs to stop'.

That same foundation keeps our kids talking to us. They're going to hear messages we didn't teach them, from friends, group chats, social media, and people telling them what "real men" are supposed to be. We can't screen every conversation, and we shouldn't try. Our job over those first 18 years is bigger than that.

We help them develop a sense of self-worth by means of setting boundaries and showing them warmth, so that they won't have to belittle someone else or go against the crowd just to fit in. When they make a mistake we hold them to account and at the same time continue to show them that they are good human beings. We create a relationship in which they feel at ease approaching us whenever a friend crosses a line, when the group chat becomes uncomfortable, when something online puzzles them, or when they are worried about something they themselves have done.

I want my kids to know, "I can tell my parent this."

Warmth helps to keep the conversation going and boundaries assist in determining their behaviorwhen we're not around.

We must also take care that when we are trying to protect girls and make boys accountable, we do not convey to boys the idea that being male means that they are inherently dangerous.

Boys shouldn't grow up believing that they are beginning from a position of guilt and have to spend their entire lives demonstrating that they are one of the good ones; they shouldn't be told that boys are bad, that men are the problem, or that women should automatically fear them.

It does not make girls safer and it doesn't aid boys in becoming the sort of men we want them to be.

You've most likely come across these statements online, for example, "Men should start off in jail and then work their way out", or the popular question regarding whether women would prefer to be left in the woods with a stranger or with a bear, in which most women would choosethe bear since they don't want to fear being sexually assaulted. 

I see where that idea comes from; for many women the choice of the bear is a reflection of fear which they have acquired the hard way and which therefore deserves to be heard.

Yet since I'm a mother of a boy and am married to a genuinely good man, I am cautious about such statements. Every day I see what a kind and reliable man looks like in the way my husband looks after me and our children. I hope that my son will grow up to believe that he too can be that kind of man, without having to work hard to escape a guilty verdict first.

The lines will be heard by our sons; a 12-year-old who is scrolling at night will probably take from them the idea that "they think I'm the problem".

In fact, if boys are blamed, ignored, or made ashamed just because they are boys, this can create an opportunity for other people to intervene. And there are many people on the internet who are ready to tell a lonely or frustrated young man, "Everyone else thinks you're the problem. I understand you."

That's part of what worries me about some corners of the manosphere. They can take very normal needs for belonging, identity, mentorship, purpose, and respect and answer them with harmful ideas about women, relationships, and masculinity.

Therefore, we should provide boys with something superior well before they start searching for those answers.

They need in their lives healthy men such as fathers, grandfathers, uncles, teachers, coaches, older brothers, mentors and others who can show them what masculinity might look like.

Men who are self-assured and friendly, who apologise when they are wrong, who show care for others, who respect both women and men, who do not regard rejection as a humiliation, who are able to disagree without putting someone down, who ask for assistance, who speak up if a friend goes over the line, and who can be tender, emotional, protective, playful and strong.

They need us to tell them that it feels good to be a boy.

It is possible to be responsible towards boys without viewing them as future perpetrators. It is possible to address the serious issue of male violence without implying to any individual boy that violence is inevitable since he is male. While teaching boys about consent, boundaries, respect, empathy and responsibility, we can also ensure that they know they are valued.

Because boys don't only need to hear what we don't want them to become.

They need good people in their lives showing them the kind of men they can become.

Since I am lucky in that I am bringing up both a boy and a girl, I would like to make this point very clear.

Everything I’m describing matters for my daughter too.

Recognizingboundaries, taking account of them, obtaining consent and understanding that it is possible for rejection to cause hurt without thereby making the other person wrong; knowing that emotions do not justify causing someone pain; and saying something when a friend goes beyond the line.

These are human lessons.

I would like both of my children to be strong and sensitive, confident and kind. I would like them to know their own boundaries and to respect those of other people. I would like them to make mistakes, to take responsibility for them and to make things right. I would like them to notice if something is wrong and to have the courage to speak up.

So they should feel secure about themselves and not feel the need to make someone else feel inferior.

Just because I raise my children with the same values doesn't mean that I'm pretending they'll experience the world in precisely the same way.

The data on sexual violence matters. We can acknowledge where risks disproportionately exist without treating boys as inherently dangerous.

Caring deeply about boys does not require minimizing violence against girls. And protecting girls does not require teaching boys that there is something inherently wrong with being male.

I would like the world to be safer for my daughter in terms of physical safety and also want it to be emotionally safe for my son.

I don’t think those dreams compete with each other. I think they are deeply connected.

I want my daughter to be brought up among boys and men who understand the meaning of consent, respect other people's boundaries, realize when someone needs help, and are not afraid of empathy or tenderness.

And I want my son to know he is allowed to become that kind of man without believing there was something wrong with him simply because he was born a boy.

So let’s raise boys who know they are deeply loved and deeply responsible for how they move through the world.

Boys who know vulnerability doesn’t diminish their strength. Nurturing doesn’t diminish their masculinity. Accountability doesn’t mean they’re bad.

Boys can be vulnerable and strong, nurturing and accountable, confident and compassionate all at the same time.

Our boys don’t need us to expect less from them.

They need us to believe they’re capable of more.

“Boys will be boys” has always felt like such a low ceiling.

Our boys deserve so much more room than that.

I would love to hear from you on this one: What is one phrase about boys you heard growing up that you want to leave behind, and what do you want your kids to hear instead?

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!