Breaking the Cycle

The last newsletter discussed the potential connection between early tablet use and increased anger in children. The study highlighted a concerning pattern: increased tablet use in early childhood was linked to higher levels of anger and frustration as children grew older. This emotional dysregulation often leads to even more screen time, creating a cycle that’s difficult to break.

But why does this happen? And what can you do to support your child in developing healthy emotional regulation skills?

One of the key points discussed was the concept of “digital soothing”– using screens to calm an upset child. While it might seem like a quick fix, this practice can lead to a reliance on screens to manage emotions if consistently used. This can impact a child’s development of self-regulation skills.

When children use screens to handle feelings like anger, frustration, or sadness, they miss out on learning how to cope with these emotions in healthy ways. This can lead to a cycle where they increasingly turn to screens for comfort, leading to more emotional dysregulation and challenges.

There were many follow-up questions from the PedsDocTalk community.

Here are some strategies to help break the cycle and foster better emotional regulation. It’s always a work in progress. Again, screen time is often different for each child and family. Some children may handle screens with ease, while others might struggle more with transitions. The key is to find what works for your child and family–tailoring your approach to suit your child’s unique temperament and your family’s lifestyle.

Set clear boundaries and expectations

Decide ahead of time when and where screen time is allowed. You decide your screen time boundary and commit to it consistently. This could mean keeping screens out of certain activities, like mealtimes or bedtime, and designating specific times for screen use. For instance, you decide that screen time in the afternoon works best for your family, so you designate one hour of screen time in the afternoon. These boundaries should reflect your family’s values and preferences.

When setting boundaries, it’s important to have clear expectations. For example, “We can watch one episode, and then we will go outside.” This kind of statement sets a clear expectation for your child and helps them understand what comes next. Speak as fact rather than asking a question that implies there is a choice when there isn’t one. Instead of asking, “Can you turn off the TV?”– which many children will naturally resist– you should calmly and firmly state, “It’s time to turn off the TV now. The episode is finished.” You can offer a choice to give them a sense of control. For example, “Do you want to turn off the TV, or do you want me to?” If they don’t decide, “You are having a hard time deciding. I will turn it off now.”

Following through with the boundary is just as important as setting it. Once you’ve established that screen time is over, you have to follow through, regardless of your child’s reaction. Calmly turn off the TV and stick to the plan, even if your child becomes upset or cries. Consistency is key– while there may be exceptions, aim to uphold the boundary at least 80% of the time. This teaches your child that your word is reliable and helps them learn to manage their emotions.

If your child cries, don’t fear the tears. Acknowledge their feelings with empathy and offer a redirection, “I see you’re feeling upset about turning off the TV. I like watching TV with you too. But it’s time to turn it off. Do you want to play outside or with your blocks?” This reinforces the boundary but also helps them feel understood and supported.

Clear boundaries around when and where screens are allowed can help foster a healthy relationship with screens and can reduce overall screen time. The boundaries provide structure and predictability, making it easier for you and your child to understand when screens are appropriate and when they’re not. As a result, screen time becomes more intentional rather than a default activity, and it can be reduced without constant negotiations or power struggles.

Avoid using screens as a reward, punishment, or to soothe

When screens are treated as a special privilege for behavior, they can become overly important in a child’s mind. This close association between screens and behavior or emotions– such as using screen time as a reward for behavior or a soothing mechanism when a child is upset can create a dynamic where screens become a primary source of comfort or motivation. This not only increases their appeal but can lead to dependency, where a child might begin to rely on screens to manage their emotions or to feel validated.

Instead, it’s more beneficial to integrate screen time as a normal, routine part of the day with clear, consistent limits independent of behavior. By doing this, screen time becomes just another part of daily life rather than something to be earned or bargained for. This approach helps to reduce the allure of screens and prevent them from becoming a tool for emotional regulation.

Practice co-regulation of emotions

When your child is upset, try to be there to help them navigate their emotions. Co-regulation is a powerful tool in helping your child learn how to manage their emotions. It involves being present with your child as they experience big feelings, offering them the support and guidance they need to navigate these emotions. Think of it as a way of modeling emotional regulation, where you help your child understand and process their feelings in a healthy way. Over time, this lays the foundation for them to learn self-regulation, which is key for emotional development.

When your child is upset, it’s important to remain calm and offer them your presence, even if they don’t seem to want it at first. For example, if your child is frustrated because screen time is over, you might say, “I can see that you’re feeling really frustrated right now. I’m here with you, and it’s okay to feel frustrated.” Acknowledging their feelings without judgment and staying calm shows your child that it’s safe to experience these emotions.

If your child needs space (or you need space), you can offer it while still letting them know you’re available: “It looks like you need a little time. That’s okay. I’ll be right here when you’re ready to talk or need a hug.” And stay in the room, but go about what you need. You can check in as needed. Complete co-regulation may not be possible all the time and this is normal and actually healthy. This gives your child a sense of control while reassuring them that you’re there to help when they’re ready. 

Another helpful strategy is to offer simple, calming activities that you can do together, which can help shift their focus and emotions in a more positive direction. For example, if your child is upset you could suggest, “Let’s go find ‘Teddy’ and take them for a walk while we tell them how you’re feeling.” This can help distract them from the immediate upset, but it also gives you the opportunity to talk about their feelings.

Always remember the power of modeling behavior. It can be helpful to narrate your own emotions in a way that your child can understand. For instance, if you’re feeling a little stressed or frustrated, you might say, “I’m feeling a bit stressed right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths. Do you want to do it with me?” By sharing your own coping strategies, you’re showing your child that everyone has emotions and there are healthy ways to manage them. Your voice will be their internal voice when they experience those emotions. 

Remember, co-regulation is not about fixing your child’s feelings or stopping them from being upset. It’s about being a steady, supportive presence as they learn to navigate their emotions. Every child will respond differently, and some may take longer to develop these skills, but your patience and consistency will pay off. Each moment of connection and calm is a step toward helping your child build resilience and emotional intelligence.

Final thoughts

Navigating screen time and emotional regulation can be challenging, but remember that it’s all about finding balance and progress, not perfection. By setting clear boundaries, integrating screens as a normal part of daily life, and practicing co-regulation, you’re helping your child develop the skills they need to manage their emotions in healthy ways. Each small step you take makes a difference– no matter how small.

On The Podcast

Early and open conversations with children about sex are important and especially key to start from a young age. Using proper anatomical terms avoids shame and fosters safety. I welcome moms Mary Flo Ridley and Megan Michelson from Birds & Bees, who are helping parents stop feeling nervous about these conversations and instead find empowerment through their guidance and practice.

We discuss:

• That open and continuous dialogue about sex and bodily autonomy helps normalize these topics

• How age-appropriate small discussions and explanations are better than having a single, potentially overwhelming conversation like “The Talk” later on.

• The importance of teaching children boundaries like “no means no” in all contexts, including sexual situations

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!