Have You Ever Been in a Power Struggle with Your Child?

One of the biggest challenges we can fall into with toddlers is engaging in power struggles. You have likely been there at some point. You want your child to do something, and there is yelling, screaming, pushing, and resisting from your child and you find yourself joining in with the same energy. This usually only results in your child pushing back more. Power struggles exist in many situations – picky eating, potty training, routines, tantrums, and more.

As an adult with more emotional regulation, you have to recognize the power struggle and avoid getting deeper into it. Here are a few tips to help you manage power struggles.

Focus on taking a deep breath

This can be difficult when you’re in the moment, but keeping a calm tone and low volume is important. Being louder only adds to the power struggle. You can repeat your boundary with a matter-of-fact approach.

Give control whenever possible

Toddlers love control and autonomy. It’s helpful to offer them the ability to do it first and then support them if needed. For example, if they’re upset because they want to put on their shoes all by themselves, say, “Hey, why don’t you try, and then I’ll help you.” If you can’t because you have to leave the house, you can say, “I see you are taking some time so I’m going to help you right now. You are doing a great job.” Then, swiftly and quickly help them without getting escalated.

Offer choices when you can

This is especially helpful to remember for situations that typically end up in power struggles. For example, “It’s time for bed. Do you want to pick out the book, or should I pick out the book tonight?”

Let them learn from their mistakes

It may be difficult to watch your “I DO IT” child pour their own cup of milk, but let them try as long as they’re not in danger. If they spill, they will learn from trial and error. This can also allow you to teach them that accidents happen. There is no need to make a big fuss since we can just clean it up.

Use their cognitive development and ask questions

If they don’t want to do something, “I hear you don’t want to wash your hands. Can you tell me why?” This is especially useful for children 3 years and older to turn those wheels of cognitive development round and round and show you see them at the same time.

Remember, it’s you and them vs. the world, not you vs. them

You are on the same team. Many toddlers love to help, so ask them to help you with a task. Working together shows them that you are on the same team. The goal isn’t to “win” against your child – it’s to connect, collaborate, and support them. You are on the same team, even as the one establishing and maintaining boundaries.

If you find yourself deep into a power struggle, it’s never too late to pivot

Take a deep breath and pause. Remember that power struggles are tied up in being escalated, and your child will push back if you're escalated. When you recognize that you’re in a power struggle, you can say, “Whoa. I’m sorry. Let’s do this over.”

Pause and remain quiet. Wait out the power struggle and repeat, “I am here when you are ready.” Then, be present with open body language for them to come around.

Offer a hug or comfort. Nothing says collaboration as much as realizing the power struggle is going nowhere and offering connection through a hug. Simply ask, “Hey, you know what? I think we could both use a break. Can I have a hug?” During potty training, this could look like, “I see you don’t want to sit on the toilet. This is new for you. I’m proud of you, and I love you.” Then, offer a hug in the location where the power struggles are happening most. It is the same with food battles – offer a hug at the dining table to diffuse a power struggle and reset.

On The Podcast

Have you felt yourself drift from your friends pre-motherhood? Or have you found making new and meaningful friendships hard after becoming a mom? I welcome Danielle Bayard Jackson, a relational health educator who has made a career out of studying what the research has to say about creating quality platonic relationships. She also has a new book coming out called, Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships. She joins me to discuss:

• The three reasons why friendships after motherhood are so hard to make and maintain

• Why having meaningful and strong female connections is important for our mental health

• How to handle “passive” friendships

• Practical ways to find meaningful connections with peers amidst the mental load and business of our lives

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!