How Resilience Really Builds (It’s Not What You Think)

The real work of raising resilient kids doesn’t happen all at once.

Some of the most important moments in parenting don’t look important while you’re in them. They look messy. Frustrating. Like your child is unraveling over a block tower or a puzzle piece while you’re barely holding it together yourself.

But inside those small everyday struggles, something bigger is happening. Your child is learning how to sit with a hard feeling. How to keep trying. How to feel safe, even when things don’t go their way.

We don’t start teaching resilience at 13. We start in the toddler chaos. The puzzle-throwing stage. The “I’m the worst at this” meltdowns. The way we show up in those moments teaches them how to show up for themselves later.

What resilience actually means and why it matters

Resilience isn’t just about “bouncing back.” It’s about moving through something tough, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically, and coming out the other side with a little more strength and self-trust.

It’s tolerating discomfort without shutting down. Trying again when it didn’t work the first (or second) time. And deep down, believing: I can handle hard things.

And that’s not just a nice life skill, it’s a foundational one.

Resilient kids are better at navigating social messiness, bouncing back from school setbacks, and coping with stress in ways that don’t involve total shutdown. They adapt. They speak up. They ask for help. They’re more likely to say, “This is hard,” instead of, “I’m bad at this.”

But here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: resilience doesn’t just show up out of nowhere. It’s not something most kids are born knowing how to do, and it’s not always something we explicitly teach either.

Some kids develop it through tough circumstances, by doing hard things on their own or growing up in environments that didn’t make it easy.

But for most children, resilience grows best when it’s supported. It’s shaped through connection, through how we respond when they’re struggling, and through the space we give them to try, stumble, and try again.

Toddler years

They try to stack blocks, and the tower crashes. Cue wailing and block flinging.

At this stage, toddlers are just beginning to experience frustration, but they don’t have the language or regulation to manage it. Their world is still very black and white: if something doesn’t work, it feels like it never will.

It’s tempting to say, “You’re fine,” or “It’s not a big deal.” But that skips over the part where they’re actually feeling something big.

Try instead:

You’re not fixing the blocks. You’re not rushing to solve the problem. You’re helping your child name what’s happening and learn that feelings, even uncomfortable ones, are safe to feel. You’re helping your child feel seen. And in that moment, you’re laying down the first bricks of resilience.

Preschool years

They’re working on a puzzle, and a piece doesn’t fit. They throw it. Maybe the whole puzzle. You’re tempted to say, “Why are you mad? It’s just a puzzle.”

But at this age, your child is learning how to be independent. They want to figure things out, and when they can’t, it feels overwhelming. Their effort doesn’t match the outcome, and that disconnect can lead to explosive feelings.

Try instead:

You’re validating the feeling and gently handing back the reins. That combo: empathy and a choice, is magic for this age.

School-age years

They lose a game, miss a goal, or don’t get picked. And suddenly, “I’m the worst at this.”

At this stage, kids start to link performance with identity. They compare themselves to others, and mistakes can start to feel like personal failures. If we respond with pressure (“You should’ve practiced more”), we unintentionally reinforce that their worth is tied to the outcome.

Try instead:

This kind of reflection helps separate who they are from what happened, and encourages problem-solving without shame. That’s a huge part of emotional growth.

Pre-adolescence years

They try out for something, and don’t make it. Or they’re excluded from a group. These moments are tender. And while your instinct may be to soften the blow with, “It’s okay, it wasn’t that big of a deal,” your child may be hearing: “This shouldn’t feel like a big deal.”

At this age, rejection feels personal. They’re developing a stronger sense of identity, and social belonging matters more than ever.

Try instead:

You’re holding space for the disappointment and reminding them that effort and courage are worth celebrating, even when the outcome isn’t what they wanted.

Teen years

They bomb a test they actually cared about. Maybe they lash out. Maybe they shut down.

Teens live with a microscope on self-worth. A bad grade can feel like a character flaw. They don’t need a reminder of what went wrong. They need a reminder you’re still here.

Try instead:

Resilience at this age isn’t about snapping back. It’s about staying connected through the low moments. This tells them they don’t need to earn your support or love. And that’s where resilience deepens.

Six ways to support resilience at every age

There’s no script for handling every struggle, but there are tools we can rely on to help our kids build internal strength and trust in themselves over time. These six practices show up again and again in the research and in real life.

Model it out loud: Show your child what it looks like to go through a hard moment without pretending everything’s fine. “That meeting didn’t go the way I hoped. I’m going to take a few deep breaths and try again tomorrow.” Kids learn by watching and hearing how we cope.

Foster a growth mindset: Celebrate effort. Normalize “not yet.” Help your child view challenges as opportunities to grow, not proof they’ve failed. This keeps them in the process, rather than fearing it.

Make space for all feelings: Fear, anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness, these are all part of life. When we treat big feelings as welcome (not wrong), we teach kids that emotion isn’t something to avoid. It’s something to understand.

Stay connected during the hard stuff: Resilience doesn’t have to come from doing it alone. It’s best knowing someone will sit beside you in the hard moment, not solve it for you, but stay with you. That presence builds trust.

Pause before rescuing: Let your child try, fail, and figure it out, when it’s safe and appropriate. That pause gives them space to practice problem-solving. You’re still there. You’re just not stepping in immediately. That’s where confidence grows.

Teach and practice coping tools: Help kids build a toolbox: deep breaths, physical movement, drawing, journaling, or simply taking a break. And most importantly, practice those tools when they’re calm, so they can access them when they’re not.

Want a deeper dive into these? Listen to this PedsDocTalk podcast episode for more.

Final thoughts

If your toddler’s crying over a block tower, your 8-year-old is melting down after losing a game, or your teen is buried under the covers post-test, you’re not doing it wrong. You’re doing the work.

These are the moments where resilience starts.

You don’t need the perfect response. You don’t ned to fix it all. Just show up. Be present. Stay steady. 

Because resilience isn’t built in one big moment. It builds slowly-in the mess, the struggle, the trying again. When your child knows it’s safe to fall apart and safe to keep going, that’s where real growth happens.

On The Podcast

Do you know what a bone age is? If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling over early puberty headlines or wondering if plastic cups and lavender lotion are harming your child’s hormones this episode is for you.

I’m joined by Dr. Sarah Hart Unger, a pediatric endocrinologist, mom of three, and co-host of the Best of Both Worlds and Best Laid Plans podcasts. Together, we cut through the confusion and misinformation around early puberty, endocrine disruptors, and what’s actually backed by science.

If the phrase “kindergarten readiness” sends you into a spiral of flashcards and phonics drills, this one’s for you.

In this follow-up episode, I chat with Susie Allison (@busytoddler), former kindergarten teacher and mom of three, to reframe how we think about school prep. Spoiler: it’s not about who can write their name in cursive or recite the alphabet backwards.

On YouTube

Worried about speech delays? I bust common myths about early language development in toddlers like “boys talk late,” bilingual confusion, screen time, and autism. Learn when to get help and what really boosts speech. The video includes:

• Do boys talk earlier than girls?

• Does being bilingual cause speech delays?

• Does a speech delay mean my toddler is autistic?

• Is baby talk necessary?

• Does baby sign language cause a speech delay?

• Does screen time cause a speech delay?

• When should I start early intervention for speech delay?

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