How to Handle Tantrums Without Losing Your Cool

We’ve all been there. One minute your child is happily munching on a banana, and the next, they’re on the floor screaming because it broke in half. You’re standing there, heart racing, wondering how you got here over a piece of fruit.

If tantrums make you feel flustered, frustrated, or like you need a parenting degree in emotional regulation, good news: you’re not doing anything wrong. Tantrums are normal. They’re a part of how young kids learn to handle big feelings before their brains are ready to regulate them (and yes, preschoolers and even school-aged kids still have them).

They’re not trying to manipulate you. They’re trying to communicate with the only tools they have: tears, yells, flailing limbs, and maybe a dramatic collapse worthy of an Oscar.

That’s where the S.E.R.E.N.E. Method can help. It keeps you calm in the chaos and turns tantrum moments into learning moments, for both of you.

Why tantrums happen

Tantrums can feel unpredictable, but there’s always a reason. Young children’s brains are still developing the skills needed for impulse control and emotional regulation. When they feel frustration, disappointment, exhaustion, or overstimulation, they don’t yet have the words or strategies to process it.

So the feelings spill out the only way they know how, through tears, yelling, flailing, or even hitting.

A tantrum isn’t about manipulation or misbehavior. It’s a child’s way of saying, “I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to do with these feelings.”

While tantrums are frustrating in the moment, they’re actually a sign of growth. Learning to express and regulate emotions takes time, and tantrums are part of that process. 

Think of it like learning to walk. There are plenty of falls along the way, but each one helps build balance and coordination. With the right support, kids learn how to manage emotions the same way they learn any other skill.

Enter S.E.R.E.N.E.: a way to guide your child through a tantrum while teaching emotional regulation over time.

The S.E.R.E.N.E. Method for tantrums

When a tantrum is in full swing, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure of what to do next. The S.E.R.E.N.E. method helps you navigate these moments with intention and calm, while also supporting your child’s emotional development.

S – Steady Yourself
E – Ensure Safety
R – Recognize Emotions
E – Engage Less
N – Nurture Comfort
E – Ease the Transition

Each step helps your child develop emotional regulation skills and gives you a clear way to stay in control of the moment.

Here’s how each step works when your child is mid-tantrum.

S – Steady Yourself

When your child is mid-tantrum, the first instinct might be to fix it, to stop the noise, or to meet their frustration with your own. But before you do anything, pause and check in with yourself. 

Tantrums can trigger your own stress response. Your heart might race, frustration builds, and suddenly, you’re in fight or flight, too. This is especially true if tantrums weren’t handled calmly when you were a child.

Taking a moment to steady yourself helps you approach the situation with clarity instead of reactivity.

How to ground yourself in the moment:

• Take a slow breath in and out. It tells your brain that you’re safe and in control.

• Use a mantra. Try, “This is temporary,” or “I can handle this.”

• Reframe it. Instead of seeing it as a disaster, remind yourself: “This is a learning moment for my child.”

Download this free PedsDocTalk PDF guide for more on getting yourself through a tantrum.

Your energy sets the tone. When you stay steady, you become your child’s emotional anchor, showing them that big feelings are okay and not scary.

E – Ensure Safety

When big emotions take over, kids lose track of their surroundings. They may kick, hit, throw objects, or flail their bodies without realizing the impact. Ensuring safety isn’t only physical protection, it’s creating an environment where your child can express emotions without harm.

How to keep everyone safe during a tantrum:

• Move breakable or dangerous objects out of reach. If they’re throwing things or flailing near furniture, create space to prevent injury.

• If they’re hitting or kicking, calmly intervene. Say, “I won’t let you hurt me or yourself.” If needed, gently hold their hands or move them to a safe area.

• If they’re targeting you (hitting, pinching), it’s okay to take a step back. Try saying, “I’m going to step away because it’s not okay to hurt me. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.” This reinforces a boundary while keeping your presence available.

• Separate feelings from behaviors. Let them know, “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hurt.” This teaches that all emotions are valid, but not all actions are acceptable.

Some kids may need space to cool off, while others feel safest with you nearby. Observe what your child responds to, and adjust as needed. By ensuring safety first, you’re showing them that even in their hardest moments, they’re protected and supported.

R – Recognize Emotions

When a child is mid-tantrum, their emotions feel huge. In that moment, they don’t need logic or problem-solving–they need to feel seen and understood. Recognizing emotions doesn’t mean fixing the tantrum. It means briefly acknowledging what they’re feeling so they know their emotions are valid.

A simple phrase can go a long way. Saying something like, “I see you’re really frustrated” or “You’re upset because you wanted the blue cup” lets them know you understand. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their reaction, but acknowledging their feelings helps them feel heard. On the other hand, dismissive responses like “You’re fine” or “It’s not a big deal” can make a child feel unheard or like their emotions don’t matter.

It’s also important to remember that a dysregulated child can’t process logic yet. Connection first, and correct later. This isn’t the time for long explanations. Instead, focus on connecting with their emotional state first since this lays the foundation for calming down before any reasoning or problem-solving can happen. By naming their emotions and meeting them where they are, you help your child feel understood, making it easier for them to regulate over time.

Every child needs something a little different, and it can change day to day.

Some kids feel calmer when you name what you see: “You’re upset because you wanted the toy.” That brief validation helps them feel understood. Others do better with very few words, a quiet, “I get it,” a hug, and your steady presence. In my home, Vera tends to need verbal validation, while Ryaan, when he was younger, did better with a hug and silence. Too much talking overwhelmed him. Follow your child’s cues in the moment, and both approaches include connection.

E – Engage Less

When a child is deep in a tantrum, our instinct is to talk them through it. Explain, reason, over-validate. But too many words can pour fuel on the fire.

Imagine you’re really upset about something, and someone keeps repeating, “I know you’re frustrated. You must be really upset. It’s really hard when things don’t go the way you want, isn’t it?” At some point, you’d probably want to yell, “Stop talking about it!”

For kids, especially when their emotions are at their peak, too much talking can feel overwhelming or even frustrating. Their brain is already flooded with big feelings, and adding a stream of words can escalate the meltdown instead of calming it.

Instead, keep it simple and steady. Use short, calming phrases like:

“I’m here.”
“You’re safe.”
“I know this is hard.”

Then, be quiet. Sometimes, the best way to support your child is to hold space and let them work through their feelings. Your calm, quiet presence often speaks louder than words.

When they start to settle, offer more connection. At the peak of a tantrum, less engagement is often more effective.

N – Nurture Comfort (if they’re receptive)

Every child processes big emotions differently. Some seek comfort, while others need space to cool off. The key is to pay attention to your child’s cues and offer support in a way that feels best for them.

For some children, physical closeness helps them regulate. If your child reaches for you, offering a hug or a gentle touch can provide the reassurance they need. You might say, “I’m here if you need a hug,” or simply open your arms and wait.

But not every child wants comfort right away, and that’s okay. Some kids prefer to self-regulate before re-engaging. If your child pulls away, respect their space while letting them know you’re still there. A simple “I’ll be right here when you’re ready” reassures them that they’re not alone.

It’s also important to remember that what works for one tantrum may not work for the next. A child who wants hugs today might need space tomorrow. Staying flexible and following their lead teaches them that their emotions are valid and they have control over how they process them.

By offering comfort in the way they need, you help them feel secure and respected while reinforcing the early building blocks of regulation.

E – Ease the Transition (redirect or wait it out)

Once the height of the tantrum starts to pass, your child may still feel vulnerable. This is where you can help them transition out of the meltdown in a healthy way, without rushing them or dismissing their feelings.

One of the best ways to do this is through gentle redirection. This doesn’t mean distracting them mid-tantrum. Instead, once they begin to settle, you can guide them toward the next step, such as:

• “You’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take a walk together.”

• “That was really tough. Do you want to pick out a book to read?”

• “I know that was hard. Let’s go get some fresh air.”

Redirection isn’t about ignoring their emotions. It shows that after big feelings, we move forward.

It’s important to be mindful of what you use to transition. Using screens or food as a way to calm them down can create unhealthy habits where emotions become tied to external rewards. Instead, opt for movement, connection, or calming activities that help them regulate internally.

At the same time, some kids aren’t ready to transition right away, and that’s okay. If redirection doesn’t work, give them a little more time. Try saying, “I’ll stay close while you take a moment. Let me know when you’re ready.” This reassures them that they have control over their emotions and that you’re there to support them when they need it.

Helping kids move through emotions without getting stuck in them teaches them an essential life skill. That big feelings don’t last forever, and they can handle them.

The big picture

Tantrums aren’t bad behavior. They’re a normal part of development and a chance to build emotional regulation skills. With the S.E.R.E.N.E. Method, you can approach tantrums with more confidence and less frustration, knowing every meltdown is a chance for growth.

By steadying yourself, ensuring safety, recognizing emotions, engaging less, nurturing comfort, and easing the transitions, you’re not just managing tantrums in the moment–you’re teaching your child how to navigate big feelings for life.

Some tantrums pass quickly, while others might feel never-ending–and that’s okay. No parent handles every tantrum perfectly, and you don’t have to. What matters most is that your child feels safe, supported, and loved even in their toughest moments.

Want a full breakdown of the S.E.R.E.N.E. method? Watch the PedsDocTalk YouTube video that walks through this approach step by step.

On The Podcast

If you’ve ever wondered why traditional discipline like timeouts, threats, punishments feel off or doesn’t actually work, this episode will change the way you see toddler behavior.

I’m joined by Devon Kuntzman, toddler expert and founder of Transforming Toddlerhood, to talk about how we can move from managing our kids’ behavior to teaching through it. We unpack why toddlers act out, how to handle power struggles without punishment, and how parents can stay calm (and human) in those messy moments. Devon shares her framework for effective discipline, the difference between natural and arbitrary consequences, and the long game of raising emotionally intelligent kids.

As a pediatrician, I know how stressful it can feel when you’re filling out those developmental questionnaires at your child’s checkup. You check a few “no” boxes, and suddenly you’re spiraling! What does this mean? Should I be worried?

In this episode, I sit down with an autism specialist to talk through what some of those screening questions actually mean and how they’re meant to be interpreted. We look at common items from the M-CHAT like pointing, pretend play, and responding to their name and unpack why these aren’t simple yes-or-no milestones.

We talk about what’s typical, what might be worth keeping an eye on, and how to bring up your concerns in a productive way with your child’s doctor. Most importantly, we discuss why one missed skill doesn’t equal a diagnosis, and how to focus on the whole picture of your child’s development.

On YouTube

As a pediatrician and mom, I get asked all the time how to tell if a child’s struggles with focus or behavior might be ADHD or just part of normal development. In this video, I break down what ADHD really is, what it isn’t, and how it shows up differently by age and type. You’ll also learn when to talk to your pediatrician, what evaluation looks like, and why understanding your child’s brain wiring can make all the difference. The video includes:

• What is ADHD in kids?

• ADHD and neurodiversity explained

• common signs of ADHD by age

• Why the ADHD brain works differently

• When should I test my child for ADHD?

• How ADHD is diagnosed

• What causes ADHD in children?

• ADHD myths parents should know

Ask Dr. Mona

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Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!