After I had my baby, my body changed a lot. Most women can relate to that. At the same time, a message was everywhere telling me to embrace it. Your body grew a human, so love it!

I didn't love it. On some days I'd look in the mirror and absolutely hate what I saw and being told I should love it just made me feel like I was failing at one more thing. I had gone through significant physical trauma and not only did my body look different, I had scars and holes where there shouldn’t be. 

What actually helped was giving myself permission to NOT love it.

I could acknowledge that I didn't like how my body looked without making that the reason to stop caring for it.

And funny enough, once I stopped pressuring myself to love my body, I started taking better care of it.

I wanted to eat well and move my body because those things made me feel good, not because I needed to squeeze back into a size two that might never happen again.

That's why my conversation with Zoë Bisbing, MSW, LCSW, hit so close to home. Zoë is a licensed psychotherapist, the founder of Body Positive Therapy NYC, and the creator of Body Positive Home (@mybodypositivehome), a learning community for parents and educators. She's spent her career working with kids, teens, and families dealing with eating disorders and body image struggles, and as a mom, she became a little fixated on what parents can do on the front end, before things get hard.

We're all inclined to think of body image as a teenager issue. Zoë has heard children as young as three and four say things like "my tummy is so fat". Research confirms this. Studies of young children have found body dissatisfaction and weight bias present as early as 3 to 5 years of age.

My kids are in that carefree stage now. They're lean, they're fast, they're strong, and they just go about their business without the slightest care in the world about what they look like. I love to watch it. I know the comparisons are going to come. They'll see their friends, they'll notice the difference, and they'll be asking questions, and I want to be ready when that happens.

One of my favorite parts of this conversation was when Zoë introduced the concept of body image resilience.

So many of us want our kids to love their bodies. But is loving every part of your body, every single day, a realistic goal?

I don't even expect that of myself.

Zoë defines body image resilience as being able to enjoy what your body is capable of, to accept the days when you don't love the way it looks and to still go on caring for and respecting it.

That hit home.

I don't need my kids to love their bodies every single day. What I do want is for them to know that their bodies are worthy of care and respect, even on the days when they don't particularly like what they see.

And Zoe brought in another concept I hadn't really thought about at all: body grief.

What does body grief look like in a child? How do we go about helping them through it without in any way minimizing what they're going through?

We go into that in the episode.

Imagine your ten-year-old comes home from school and says, "I hate my stomach. I wish I looked like my friends."

What's your first instinct?

Probably something like, "But you're beautiful!" or "Don't say that about yourself!"

I get it. We want our kids to see what we see.

But Zoë explained why even loving reassurance can sometimes make it harder for kids to talk openly about their bodies.

And she shared a much simpler way to respond that I think every parent should hear.

I discovered this one the hard way. A few years back I told one of my very best friends that she'd lost a lot of weight and looked fantastic. She gave me a look, but never really said why that didn’t feel right. I was absolutely convinced I was being completely benign.

That conversation stayed with me because it made me think about how often we comment on people's bodies with the best intentions.

Zoë and I talked about weight-loss compliments, telling our kids they're cute (yes, you still can!), and the messages children pick up when adults talk about their own bodies.

And we talked about how body pressure can affect kids of all sizes.

I grew up very thin, was teased for it, and was constantly encouraged to eat more. My husband had similar experiences. Now, as a mom and pediatrician, I see how easily our worries about a child's size can influence the way we feed them and talk about their bodies.

So how do we support our children's health without making their size the center of the conversation?

That's one of the questions I really wanted Zoë to answer.

Zoë and I also talk about the growing pressure on boys to be muscular (AKA Bigorexia),  why I approach growth charts differently with families, and what parents can do when they're still working through their own body image struggles.

This conversation challenged some of my assumptions, even as a pediatrician.

And if you've ever worried about what to say when your child starts criticizing their body, I think you'll get a lot out of it.

Listen to my full conversation with Zoë Bisbing wherever you get your podcasts. You can find Zoë on Instagram at @mybodypositivehome and on her Substack, Body-Positive Home.

I am so grateful that you continue to make space for these conversations. If the podcast has been helpful to you, leaving a review wherever you listen is one of the simplest ways to help more parents find the show.

And I always want to hear from you. Reply to this email and let me know what topics, questions, or conversations you would love to hear more about in future episodes.