Letting Go of Control in Parenting

Letting go of control as a parent is so important to finding more joy and balance in parenthood. Many of you have felt the need for control before becoming a parent. This can transition into parenthood by creating rigid routines, feeling overwhelmed by messes or clutter, obsessing over germs and illnesses, fixating on behavior, and over-researching parenting to make sure you’re doing it “right.”

Then, you realize hard work doesn’t equate to perfection because there is no standard of perfection in parenthood. You can’t just work hard as a parent and get praise. You can’t control every aspect of your household. A tidy home is not always a reality with children. You can’t avoid everything – every illness or accident.

And your desire for control is tied to anxiety. Control makes you feel safe and secure. Some degree of control over your life is important but not all-consuming.

You can only do your best and learn to accept that your BEST is ENOUGH. You are enough.

Yes, there are undoubtedly benefits to sleep and routines, but you have to remind yourself that you can only guide your child. You can foster a nurturing environment filled with love and a resemblance of routine but accepting flexibility. Each child is unique with their own feelings and wants. 

It’s important to let go of some of the control as a parent because your child can feel your stress. You’re likely to burn out because you don’t ask for help, you can become irritable, and you go through the journey merely surviving and never really thriving or enjoying the experience!

So, let it go, let it go 🎵

Let go of the unhealthy high expectations put on yourself

Let go of feeling like you can’t make mistakes or be vulnerable

Let go and tell yourself you are safe and loved, and your family is safe and loved

Let go and tell yourself there is no such thing as perfection in life or parenting

Let go of trying to be the best at everything rather than looking at what you are good at

Let go of feeling unworthy

Let go of trying to overprotect your child or yourself from mistakes

Let it go

This is easier said than done, especially if control has provided you with a sense of safety and security your entire life. So, how can you learn to let it go? Remember, it’s a process, and this change isn’t going to happen overnight.

Here are some tips to consider

• It starts with acknowledging you need to let go of control: You know you need to let go, if you are often sent into a tailspin of irritability or overwhelm when things don’t go according to your plan.

• Decide if you need help from a professional: Sometimes you may feel as though you can’t do this alone – don’t hesitate to speak to a mental health professional. Often, it may help to find the root cause of why you desire control.

• When you feel the control bubble up, be mindful of your physical and mental state: Are you feeling nervous or unsafe? Is this an actual threat or a perceived threat? An important question is: Will this make a big difference five years from now? If not, try to be more flexible.

• Utilize your support system: As someone who desires control, you likely think “I can do this better or faster,” but remember that done is better than perfect. Let go of the idea that you have to do everything and start with small steps.

• Shake it out and be silly again: Your body is tense from carrying the control. Dance it out!

• Have self-compassion and learn to laugh at yourself: You don’t have to be perfect – there is really no such thing. You are everything you need to be. Don’t play the blame and shame game. Embrace your mistakes.

• Respect that some control is needed and celebrate when you let go: Your energy can be used in positive ways, like helping others to feel empowered, supporting others, and advocating.

• Celebrate messing up and your child messing up: The art of letting go includes accepting that things will not be perfect. Children don’t belong in checkboxes, and your success as a parent isn’t measured by metrics. Celebrate your child when they make a mistake and try again – these are important life lessons.

Sometimes, it’s a change in your perspective

Remember –

Joy in life isn’t controlling everything to feel safe, it’s finding safety in yourself and your loved ones as an adult.

Joy in life isn’t about being in control but being in control of your emotions and practicing more self-love and less self-shaming.

Joy in life isn’t about being the best at everything. It’s about finding your strengths and weaknesses.

When you begin to let go of some of the control, you can feel more connected to yourself and your child. You will feel lighter, your body will feel less tense. You will laugh more. You will find more joy!

On The Podcast

The “Default parent” seems like modern parenting terminology, but it’s a real role. It can sometimes be associated with feelings of resentment and overwhelm if it’s not communicated. I welcome Erica Djossa, the CEO and founder of Momwell and the author of Releasing the Mother Load: How to Carry Less and Enjoy Motherhood More. We discuss:

• What the default parent is and how someone knows they’re the default parent

• Why, in heterosexual relationships, have mothers taken on this role?

• How couples can communicate better to share the mental load and roles

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!