Mastering Restraint Collapse

After a long day at daycare or school, you arrive to pick up your child. When they spot you, their face crumples, and instead of running into your arms with a smile, they burst into tears. As they cling to you, crying, you feel a mix of empathy and exhaustion. You realize they’ve been holding it together all day, and now that they’re with you, their safe person, they can finally let out all the emotions they’ve been bottling up. This is restraint collapse.

As the new school year begins, many caregivers will face the challenge of restraint collapse with their children. This common phenomenon occurs when children have been on their ‘best’ behavior all day– listening, following directions, and trying to do everything– and when they see a familiar and comforting person, they just want to cry. Restraint collapse can look like a meltdown or a moment of complete dysregulation as children finally feel safe enough to let out all those pent-up emotions. As adults, we can relate! After a long, stressful day, we sometimes want to see our person and let the tears flow.

Here’s how you can help your child (and yourself) navigate restraint collapse.

Before school: Set the stage for success

Some children are more prone to restraint collapse than others, and each child’s temperament plays a role. Preparing them in the morning can make a big difference in how they handle their emotions later.

• Prioritize connection: Even when mornings are hectic, taking just 5 minutes to connect with your child can make a difference. This time together provides the reassurance they need before facing the day.

• Create a predictable routine: Discuss the day’s plan before school, including what will happen after pickup. Children thrive on routine, and knowing what to expect can reduce meltdowns. This is also a great time to schedule 1:1 time– even 5-10 minutes can give them something to look forward to.

• Limit overscheduling: If your child is prone to restraint collapse, try to avoid cramming their evenings with too many activities. Allow them some downtime between school and any other structured events.

• Security items: If your child experiences frequent restraint collapse, check with their school about allowing them to bring a security item from home. A small, familiar object can provide comfort during the day.

During pickup: Handling the meltdown with grace

When you pick your child up after a long day, your response can set the tone for the rest of the evening.

• Start with connection: Whether it’s a big hug or a warm smile, physical affection can immediately reassure your child and help them transition from school to home. It also lets them know you miss them, too!

• Stay present during a meltdown: If a meltdown occurs, remain calm and patient. If they don’t want a hug, simply being there and validating their emotions can make a big difference. You might say, “I know it’s been a long day. I’m here for you.” Then, hold the space– give them a quiet moment and remain with them. It shows them you’re not scared or irritated by their big feelings and are allowing them to feel.

• Maintain boundaries: If your child get physical (e.g. throwing or pushing), gently but firmly hold boundaries to ensure everyone’s safety. For example you might say, “I can see you’re upset, but I can’t let you throw things. Let’s take a deep breath together.”

After the storm: Debriefing and reflecting

During a meltdown, children are in a state of dysregulation. Therefore, they aren’t likely to understand or communicate logically. Once they calm down, you can talk about what happened. This opportunity is helpful for you too.

• Reassure with love: After they are calm, let your child know that you love them no matter what emotions they’re feeling. This reinforces that all feelings are okay and that you’re there for them through it all.

• Review their schedule: Frequent restraint collapse might indicate that something in their routine isn’t working for them. For example, if they’re skipping anps or not eating well during the day, adjusting these aspects might help prevent evening meltdowns.

• Debrief during bedtime: For children over 2.5 years old, talking about the day before bed can be incredibly helpful. This practie allows your child to process their emotions and understand it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. You might ask, “What was the hardest part of your day?” or “What made you feel good today?”

Key tips to keep in mind

Put yourself in their shoes

Your child has spent all day on their ‘best’ behavior. When they melt down with you, it’s not just a tantrum– it’s them processing the day’s overwhelm. Normalizing these moments can help to reduce feeling frustrated.

Physical affection for connection

Offer a hug or smile as soon as you see them, creating an “I see you” moment.

Stay calm

Take that deep breath and be the calm they need. It’s easy to join the chaos, especially when you’re tired too, but your reaction truly matters.

Offer comfort and space

If they don’t want physical comfort, sit with them and say, “I see that you’re upset, and I’m here if you need me.” Your calm presence will offer reassurance.

Debrief and reflect

After a meltdown, discuss the day, reinforcing your love for them regardless of their feelings and meltdowns. Adjust their routine if necessary to prevent future meltdowns.

Looking for more tips?

On The Podcast

We are constantly going through life transitions and as a new parent it can feel like it’s a CONSTANT. As your child develops, you are constantly going through major transitions as well. Becoming a new mom (or caregiver), maybe going back to work, your child starting school, health issues, etc. Change is constant in our lives but it can sometimes FEEL so hard. I welcome Dr. Krista Klein who has a PhD in interdisciplinary education, scholar, and mother dedicated to supporting other women who are navigating major transitions in their personal and professional lives. She joins me to discuss:

• Why change is hard and how we can take control of change

• The “SNAP to Impact” framework for change and why it’s helpful

• Why processing stress, burnout, and trauma is important in managing major life transitions

On YouTube

Here are essential tips for treating scrapes and cuts: clean with soap and water, apply pressure for bleeding, and know when to see a doctor.

This video covers:

• Types of wounds

• How do you know if a laceration needs closure?

• What are common wound closure techniques?

• When do you see a clinician?

• What to expect from visit to clinician for a wound

• Understanding wound healing

• Wound care and how to reduce scarring

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!