“My almost 4 year old will get hurt by doing something that's his fault (run into a door, bump into the bedframe, etc) and then when we ask him if he's okay or does he need us to look at it, he just screams at us. I know it's because he's in pain and probably embarrassed but what else should we do? He's getting mad at us and throwing a tantrum for something that he did.”
When a kid crashes into the bedframe, he's been told to stop running near it; you'd think he'd be a bit more humble. What you get instead is a good yelling. It seems rather perverse, but it all makes sense for an almost 4-year-old.
Two things are hitting him at once, really. There's the pain, and then there's the embarrassment. Kids start to feel and express emotions like embarrassment and shame in toddlerhood, and these continue to develop and evolve through the preschool years. By 4 years old, many kids have a very strong sense of 'I should have been able to do that'. So he's in pain, and he's probably a bit mad at himself for running into the door.
Your questions come from love, but in that moment they can backfire. "Are you okay?" and "Do you want me to have a look at it?" are both asking him to stop and to answer you while his brain is full of the sensation. For a child who already feels a bit silly, having two adults ask questions can feel a lot like being in the spotlight.
A few things to try:
Swap questions for presence. Get close, get low, and say as little as possible. "Ouch, that was a big bump. I'm right here." Then just open your arms and let him decide whether to come in. No need for an answer.
Offer him a bit of space if he wants it. Some kids need a minute before they can take comfort. "I'll be right here. Come and get me when you want a hug or an ice pack." You're just sitting nearby without hovering, which can be far more reassuring to a kid who's feeling a bit embarrassed.
Save the lesson for later. Skip over "that's what happens when you run in the house" for now. He's already aware. Once he's calm, we can have a quick word about slowing down near the bed, and that will actually be useful.
Give him some words to use rather than scream. When he's calm, work through phrases such as "I need a minute" or "Don't look at me yet". He then has something to reach for the next time, and you're not left in the dark.
Share your own oops moments. "I stubbed my toe on the couch yesterday, and I was SO mad at that couch." Hearing that grown-ups bump into things too takes some of the edge off. It's just part of having a body that's still growing (and for many of us, part of having a body at all).
Don't take the scream personally, as it's not really aimed at you even when it does land on you. You don't need to punish it either. A scream of pain and embarrassment is different to a scream that's intended to hurt someone. If it starts to escalate into hitting or throwing, then you can quite calmly draw that line and keep everyone safe.
Zooming out, these little moments are actually more important than they appear. A child who learns "I messed up, it hurt, and my family was calm and close" will grow into a child who can mess up on the pitch or on a spelling test and not come to pieces. That's the long game.
Most bumps like these are nothing to worry about, but if he hits his head and then vomits, seems unusually sleepy, cries for more than 10 minutes, or just isn't acting like himself, call his pediatrician.
For more on big feelings, meltdowns, and holding boundaries without a battle, the PedsDocTalk Toddlers & Tantrums course has scripts and real-life scenarios to help..
“High chair refusal for 17 month old: overall, I would say my son is a good eater--he tries new foods willingly, and when he is enjoying a meal he will sit happily eating/playing in his high chair for 30-40 minutes. However, recently he just cries and screams when we try to put him in his high chair for meal times and yells "down." This issue is more pronounced at breakfast and lunch, for some reason dinner usually seems to go ok. We have made sure the high chair is comfortable for him, and we use all (and I mean ALL) the strategies you've suggested about making meals fun and taking the pressure off, letting him run around before to "get his wiggles out," giving him choices where we can, bringing stuffed animals to the table to feed etc. Those strategies all work well once he starts eating, but our issue happens before that--the part where we put him into his high chair which causes a meltdown. Due to choking risks, our firm boundary is that he must be sitting when he eats. What should we do? On the one hand I feel like we have worked so hard to make mealtime fun and positive that I would hate for him to start to associate the high chair as a place he hates. On the other hand I know always giving into his demands to get down will reinforce that he doesn't have to sit and have a meal. What is the right approach here?”
First of all, give yourself some credit. A toddler who will try new foods and will sit happily for 30 to 40 minutes once he's started to eat has a pretty good relationship with food. So mealtime isn't in any way falling apart. There's just one little thing to work on really: the way he starts to eat.
At 17 months, “down” is one of the most powerful words in his vocabulary. He's realizing he is his own individual little person with his own views, and the high chair is a place where someone else dictates when you go in and when you come out. Being strapped in is not going to sit well with that emerging sense of self, so some resistance is to be expected.
The fact that dinner goes better is a useful clue, so it's worth getting curious about what's different earlier in the day.
Breakfast: is he still full from the milk overnight or first thing in the morning? If he's had a cup of milk straight before breakfast, he may not be all that hungry. Toddlers will often eat better if their meals and snacks are spaced about 2 to 3 hours apart so it may be worth having the milk with the meal rather than before.
Lunch: is it nearly nap time? A tired toddler has very little patience for anything really, buckles included.
Dinner: is the whole family at the table? It's a lot easier for him to sit down when he sees everyone else have done so.
Your boundary is a good one. Sitting while you eat is a key way of reducing the risk of choking. That boundary is really about where eating takes place. It's perfectly fine to let him get down prior to the meal if the food stays at the table and doesn't follow him around the house.
A few things to try:
Have the food come with the chair. Put his plate on the tray as he comes in (with a safe food that he likes) so the first thing he sees is something to sit for.
Give him a job on the way in. Let him carry his cup, put his stuffed animal in the seat first, or help him to climb up. Toddlers will be much less fussy if they get to do a bit of it themselves.
Offer a choice that still has the effect of him sitting. "Do you want the high chair or the booster at the big table?" A dining booster seat can be quite the more grown-up option for some toddlers. Whatever you go for, just stick with it so he knows what to expect.
If he says no, keep it very brief and calm. "You don't want to be sitting right now. Food stays at the table. We'll try again in a few minutes." Let him go, offer again in 5 to 10 minutes, and if it's still a no, then that meal is over, and the food comes back at the next snack. No eating on the couch, no grazing whilst he's playing. That's the bit that teaches him that eating is sitting down.
Treat "down" mid-meal as useful information. Once he's had his meal and asks to get out, he's usually just done. That's a fullness cue you should respect.
As for that worry that he'll start to hate the highchair: what actually protects mealtime is a parent who is relaxed about the chair. A brief standoff where you're calm is far more instructive than a meal that you win by having him buckled in while he's screaming. He'll eventually learn that food happens when he's in the highchair and you never had to force it.
If he starts refusing food in general, isn't putting on weight, appears to be in pain with eating or swallowing, or this persists after a few weeks of a stable routine, then it's time to get him seen by his pediatrician.
If mealtimes are becoming a proper tug of war, then the Picky Eating Playbook goes further into feeding routines, the pressure involved, and how to deal with it when your toddler has other ideas.
PDT Real Talk Series
This month’s question is:
“How do you teach gratitude without it turning into a lecture?”
November is the month of thankful trees, gratitude jars, and going around the Thanksgiving table to share what you’re thankful for. It’s all very sweet until your four-year-old says “nothing” and your seven-year-old says “my iPad.” If your kid’s thank-yous still need a prompt (or five), that’s a normal part of growing up. Gratitude is a skill kids build slowly, as they get better at seeing things from someone else’s point of view and understanding that the snack or the ride to practice came from someone who chose to give it.
So tell me what’s working at your house. Maybe it’s a “best part of the day” chat at bedtime, a thank-you drawing for Grandma, a family tradition of giving back, or a moment your kid thanked the bus driver without any reminder and made your whole week. And what fell flat? The thankful tree that lost all its leaves by week two counts too. Nothing is too small or too silly to share.
Please share your response using the link below. Submit by November 24st and selected responses may be featured in the November Real Talk newsletter.
Ask Dr. Mona
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Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!
