Response to the NYT Article “Parents Should Ignore Their Children More Often”

Many of us feel the pressure to entertain and engage our children constantly. It’s easy to worry that if you’re not always keeping them occupied, you’re somehow falling short as a parent. Sometimes, it’s the fear that we might miss out on a critical piece of their development – like missing that one puzzle piece that makes everything come together.

What if we took a step back from that pressure? A recent New York Times article and Instagram post explored the idea of “ignoring” children, not in a neglectful way, but in the context of hunter-gatherer societies. This might sound counterintuitive at first, but this concept offers a refreshing perspective on how we can balance the demands of parenting while still fostering resilience, creativity, and self-sufficiency in our children.

The article shares an interesting perspective – it explores how, in hunter-gatherer societies, children aren’t the constant focus of their parents’ attention. Instead, they learn by observing everyday activities, often tagging along with adults and picking up valuable skills like creativity, patience, and independence. This contrasts with the pressure many parents feel today to constantly engage and entertain their children.

While fully committing to this concept of mindful underparenting would require a major societal shift, as the article points out, the intent isn’t to adopt a radical change in how we parent. There are still a few great takeaways we can apply to our daily lives – like recognizing that we don’t always have to entertain our children. Letting them experience boredom and self-directed play offers valuable lessons in itself.

Let’s be honest – do we really enjoy all those activities we schedule? Do our kids? Sometimes, we feel guilty if we’re not signing them up for every sport, music class, or extracurricular available. But guilt isn’t always a good reason to fill up the calendar, especially at the risk of burnout. If you and your child genuinely enjoy the activity, then by all means, keep at it! But if it’s starting to feel overwhelming, it might be worth taking a step back and reassessing.

It’s also important to acknowledge that these kinds of activities are a privilege. Not everyone has access to them, and that’s okay. There’s no need to feel bad if your child isn’t involved in a dozen things. The article reminds us that there is real value in allowing our children to experience boredom. Sometimes, the most important lessons – like resourcefulness and creativity – happen when we give them space to figure things out for themselves.

Instead of feeling the need to constantly step in with new activities, let your child explore, observe, and play at their own pace. As the article points out, boredom is a gift. It helps foster patience, resourcefulness, and creativity – a resting brain is not an idle one. So when we allow our little ones to have moments of unstructured time, we’re giving them a chance to engage their imagination and build important skills. These moments of “doing nothing” are opportunities for them to learn how to entertain themselves, even from a young age.

This PedsDocTalk podcast episode includes a conversation with a child psychologist about why being bored and underscheduled is important for children.

Another important point the article makes is how children learn through observation. In hunter-gatherer societies, children tag along with adults as they go about their day. While we may not be foraging for berries, the principle still applies – there are countless skills to be learned just by being around us. I know I get a lot of my household tasks done when Ryaan and Vera are home and awake. They help with tasks like laundry, and often, they enjoy it! Ryaan loves coming with me on errands like grocery shopping. While it may not be the most exciting activity, it’s teaching him valuable lessons about responsibility, patience, and how the world works.

While quality time with our children is important, we don’t have to carve out every moment for structured learning time. Children absorb so much just by being included in our daily routines. Whether it’s a trip to the grocery store, household chores, or running errands, these seemingly mundane moments provide valuable learning experiences. Children are always picking up on how we navigate the world – from interacting with others to making decisions. These real-life moments can teach them so much!

When we bring our children along, they’re not just passive observers; they’re learning how to model behavior. This is where we, as parents, play a crucial role. They watch how we handle frustration when something doesn’t go as planned, how we approach conversations with strangers, and even how we manage responsibilities. The more they observe, the more they internalize, and these early experiences help shape their social and emotional skills. Even something as simple as watching us cook or do laundry can provide lessons in patience, teamwork, and responsibility. Our children absorb more than we realize simply by being present with us in these everyday moments.

Another key aspect of fostering resilience and creativity in our children is encouraging independent play. This ties in with the idea of giving children space to explore and learn on their own. Independent play has many benefits. Of course, interactive play is essential for child development and learning. It’s really about finding a balance between independent and interactive play.

One of the best things about independent play is that it allows children to make decisions on their own, solve problems, and explore their imagination. It also gives them a sense of control – they decide what to do next, and they learn to enjoy the freedom of choice. These are skills they will carry with them into other areas of life, helping them become more confident and independent thinkers.

If you’re wondering how to encourage independent play, this PedsDocTalk podcast episode dives into how to make it happen and how to balance it with interactive play from a young age. Start small – even just a few minutes of independent play can build over time and allow your child to develop that self-reliance at their own pace.

The article also touches on something that really resonates – the need for society to become more accepting of children in public spaces. In many parts of the world, children are seamlessly integrated into daily life. Whether it’s at restaurants, parks, or even workplaces, there’s a sense of inclusivity.

In the U.S., however, there’s often a pressure to keep our kids quiet, entertained, or even out of sight at some locations. But the truth is, children need these experiences to learn how to navigate different environments. Whether it’s practicing patience while we wait in line or observing how we interact with others, these are valuable life lessons. As parents, we shouldn’t feel guilty for bringing our children with us.

Remember, it’s okay to include our kids and let them be kids. These everyday experiences, whether they’re a bit noisy, messy, or restless, are opportunities for growth, learning, and understanding the world around them. 

In the end, it’s all about finding that balance. There’s no need to go to extremes. You don’t have to completely adopt a hands-off approach to parenting. One style of parenting isn’t likely to fit every parent or every child. Plus, there are times when we need to guide, teach, and supervise our children closely.

We don’t have to make a radical shift in how we parent, but we can take the pressure off ourselves to constantly engage or entertain. Whether it’s giving your child space to experience boredom, encouraging independent play, or bringing them along in your daily routine, these small changes can foster resilience, creativity, and independence.

On The Podcast

I have a shared love of child behavior and development with Alyssa Blask Campbell, CEO of Seed & Sew and host of the Voices of Your Village Podcast. She has a master’s degree in early childhood education and she joins me today to explore the WHY behind tantrums and find more peace in the process.

She joins me to discuss:

• The different sensory systems we have and why knowing your child’s go-to can help BEFORE and DURING a tantrum

• How we can sometimes “over-do it” as a parent in the tantrum

• Why AFTER a tantrum and moments of dysregulation are most important

On YouTube

This video shares my insights on how to effectively treat childhood constipation when natural methods fall short. It emphasizes the importance of understanding your child’s bowel habits and discusses dietary changes, behavioral techniques, and medical treatments. From increasing fiber and hydration to using stool softeners and laxatives. This video guides you through each step.

The video includes:

• Dietary changes to treat constipation

• My go-to “natural” remedy for constipation

• Medications to treat constipation

• How long will your child need medication?

• When are labs or imaging needed for constipation?

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!