Sharing Secrets

First, sharing is difficult for toddlers. At this age, they begin the preoperational stage, in which their thinking is egocentric or self-centered. This means that considering the wants or needs of someone else is not their first thought, making sharing truly difficult. Your toddler sharing or refusing to share does not represent you as a good or bad parent – it’s simply a developmental stage.

Children are not developmentally ready to understand sharing until they are closer to age 4. Try to avoid forcing children to share. Instead, focus on building the foundation for sharing and realistically navigating sharing with toddlers.

Building the foundation for sharing

Model sharing and describe how it makes you or others feel. When you show them how to share, exaggerate and emphasize the fun. Then, offer praise and excitement when they join. For example, “Oh, you are sharing your blueberries with me?? Wow, that makes me feel so happy. Thank you!” You can also create opportunities for sharing. Call your child over if you’re eating something and say, “I’m eating a snack. Do you want to share with me?”

Point out when people are sharing – there are likely many instances during a day when sharing occurs. When you notice sharing, try to verbalize it to normalize it. “Mommy’s friend wants to borrow my book, so I am sharing it with her. When she is done reading the book, she will give it back. It makes me feel happy, and my friend feels happy.”

Incorporate turn-taking activities, such as games! Even just taking turns for simple activities is good practice for sharing since it fosters patience, a necessary building block for sharing. Initially, use small time frames to help your child begin to understand that they will get a turn if they wait. For example, “It’s your turn to hold the toy, and now mommy is taking it, and it’s my turn to hold the toy.” When you return the toy to them, “Now it’s your turn to take the toy.”

As your child approaches three years, they will begin to understand the concept of sharing better, but they are still learning. Another favorite sharing activity is choosing music. “Mommy’s song first and then your song.” Play a song you love, and then ask your child what song they want to hear when it's done. When you play their request, reiterate, “We are taking turns. We played my favorite song and then your favorite song.” If they cry or get upset, reaffirm the taking-turn boundary and encourage them to continue to wait.

Sharing with others

Try to allow children to play with toys until they’re all done. Then, the other child can have a turn. Be prepared for big feelings.

For young toddlers (under 18 months), you can use distraction to encourage sharing. Most will be easily convinced to play with another toy. “Oh, let’s play with this toy over here!”

For older toddlers (older than 18 months), you can try to verbalize the situation, empathize, and then propose a solution. For example, “ You both wanted to play with the doll, but your friend is still playing with it. This is really hard to wait. How about we play with the truck while we wait?”

When a sharing tantrum occurs

Consider using a visual timer if both children are older than 2 ½ years. Before then, the concept of a visual timer may not be fully understood. Explain the concept to the children: “I see you both want to play with this. I will set the timer for two minutes, and when it dings, it’s your turn.” If the timer method leads to more chaos that they can’t resolve, put the toy away. Keep it matter-of-fact and hold the boundary. “Hey, great job trying to take turns, but this toy needs a break right now. We can try again later. What other toy do we want to play with?”

If there’s a full-blown meltdown, approach the situation calmly and act as their guide. This helps to bring calmness to your child, too. Try to verbalize the situation, empathize with their feelings, and propose a solution. For example, “You want to play with the doll, but you are feeling sad because you can’t play with the doll right now. You can play with the doll when your friend is done. Do you want to play with the truck while we wait?” Or, “When Ryaan is all done playing with the toy, you can have a turn. You can ask him when he’s done and wait.”

On The Podcast

This is a completely impromptu episode I had to release because it shares my love for all children (and, of course, my kiddos) with all of you! My son, Ryaan, is four years old and loves playing with my podcast mic. So, the other day after preschool, I had him join me for a conversation.

We talk about normal four-year-old things!

• Car washes

• Favorite foods and vegetables

• What makes us feel better when we’re sad

• And, of course, we sing a song from Frozen

This episode is kid-friendly, and I encourage you to listen to it with your toddlers or preschoolers!

Disclaimer: the word penis is said because we teach our son anatomic body parts, and it came up in this impromptu conversation!

On YouTube

#PhilipsPartner In partnership with @Philips Avent, this video covers introducing a bottle to a newborn, how to pick the right bottle and nipple flow, some bottle-feeding techniques and positions, and feeding signs that should prompt a visit to your child’s clinician #ShareTheCare This video features Philips Avent's products, including Philips Avent Natural bottle with Natural Response nipple and Philips Avent Anti-Colic Bottle with AirFree Vent.

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

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