The Conversation You Think Can Wait But Can’t...

In honor of Black History Month, I wanted to bring something important into this space.

This newsletter was inspired by a recent PedsDocTalk podcast episode with Dr. Anjali Ferguson, a clinical psychologist and culturally responsive mental health expert. Our conversation focused on race, bias, identity, and how everyday parenting moments shape how children understand fairness, belonging, and themselves.

Of all the powerful points she shared, one stood out most clearly:

Children notice race much earlier than adults think.

Many parents want to believe their child is “too young” to notice skin color or cultural differences. It feels protective. It feels neutral. It feels like we’re keeping things simple.

But development doesn’t work that way.

Children are constantly observing, categorizing, and making sense of the world around them. Whether we speak about race or not, they are forming impressions. The only question is whether those impressions are guided by thoughtful conversation or left to be shaped by peers, media, and whatever voices are loudest.

This isn’t about having one perfect conversation. It’s about recognizing that race is not a “later” topic. It’s a developmental one.

And Black History Month is a reminder that while Black families have long carried the responsibility of preparing their children for bias, this work belongs to all of us.

Children Notice Earlier Than We Think

One of the biggest misconceptions about race is that it becomes relevant later, in middle school, maybe, or when “real-world” issues start to show up.

But children begin noticing racial differences long before that.

In our conversation, Dr. Anjali Ferguson shared that babies as young as four to six months old can distinguish between different skin tones. By ages two to four, children are already forming early racial biases. And by late elementary school, many of those beliefs are becoming more firmly set.

That doesn’t mean toddlers are prejudiced in the way adults think of prejudice. It means they are doing what developing brains are wired to do: categorizing.

Children categorize to understand safety, predictability, and belonging. They sort the world into patterns. They notice who looks like them and who doesn’t. They observe how adults react in those moments.

And this is where parenting quietly matters.

If a child points out someone’s skin color and the adult immediately shushes them, changes the subject, or signals discomfort, the child learns something. Not necessarily about race itself, but about whether it’s safe to talk about differences.

When we treat differences as unspeakable, children don’t stop noticing them. They simply stop bringing them to us.

And when that happens, they begin filling in the blanks on their own, drawing conclusions from what they observe in classrooms, in media, and in the subtle reactions of the adults around them.

Children are not too young to notice race. They are young enough to need guidance as they do.

Your tone matters as much as your words. When you respond calmly and matter-of-factly, children learn that noticing difference is normal, not something to whisper about or avoid.

Silence Doesn’t Stop Bias It Just Leaves a Gap

When we avoid talking about race because it feels uncomfortable or complicated, it can feel like we’re protecting our children. But children notice everything and try to make sense of it.

If they notice that certain topics make adults tense, quiet, or dismissive, they learn something from that too. They learn which questions are welcome. They learn which differences are safe to name. They learn what feels acceptable to explore, and what feels off limits.

Silence does not prevent bias from forming. It simply removes a trusted adult from the conversation.

Without guidance, children draw conclusions based on what they observe around them.

They notice who is represented in books and media.
They notice who is corrected more often.
They notice who is described as “scary,” “loud,” or “trouble” in subtle ways.

Most of this happens in ordinary, everyday interactions.

That was one of the most powerful takeaways from my conversation with Dr. Anjali Ferguson. The book she co-authored, An Ordinary Day, follows two kindergarteners, one white and one Black, experiencing their first day of school. Nothing overtly traumatic occurs, and there isn’t a big incident. But in small, repeated ways, their experiences diverge.

The white child runs into class and is met with warmth and celebration.
The Black child runs in just as excited, and is met with correction.

The difference wasn’t in the children. It was in the interpretation. Over time, those subtle differences accumulate.

National education data show similar patterns. Black preschoolers make up a much smaller percentage of enrollment than of suspensions, and research using eye-tracking technology has found that when teachers are primed to look for misbehavior, they disproportionately focus on Black boys, even when no misbehavior is taking place. Interpretation shapes outcomes.

Dr. Ferguson shared that Black children can experience multiple microaggressions in a single day. The term “micro” can make these moments sound small, but repeated exposure to subtle correction, suspicion, or different treatment activates stress responses in the body. When that stress is chronic, it affects emotional regulation, mental health, and even long-term physical health.

National data reflect how these patterns compound over time. In the United States, Black women are nearly three times more likely to die from pregnancy-related causes than white women, and Black infants die at more than twice the rate of white infants. These gaps persist even when income and education are accounted for. Researchers have also documented racial bias in pain assessment and treatment. These disparities are not about biology. They reflect systems and interpretation.

So it’s not always about one comment. It is about patterns, which are exactly what children are wired to notice.

Which means our presence in those moments, our language, our modeling, and our willingness to name what’s happening,  matters more than we think.

If You’re Wondering What To Say

One of the most common reactions parents have after conversations like this is, Okay… but what do I actually say?

That question makes sense. Many of us did not grow up having open conversations about race. Some of us were taught to be “colorblind” and to not talk about it at all. For some families, noticing difference was framed as rude. For others, it felt too complicated.

Dr. Anjali Ferguson shared that one of the biggest barriers parents face is the fear of saying the wrong thing. That hesitation often comes from wanting to protect children or avoid harm. But children are genuinely curious. They’re trying to make sense of what they see and hear.

These conversations require your presence and a willingness to answer directly, to stay regulated, and to show them that noticing difference is not something to hush or avoid.

When a young child points out someone’s skin color, you can respond simply and matter-of-factly.

When a child asks why someone looks different, you can say:

Young children may ask follow-up questions. You can follow their lead and answer what they are asking in that moment.

If your child repeats a stereotype or says something unkind, you can calmly correct it.

If you are unsure in the moment, you can keep it simple. Answer what they asked. Pause. Let them lead with the next question. You do not have to give a lecture. You are building comfort, not delivering a seminar.

And if you freeze in the moment, that is okay too. Dr. Ferguson emphasized that circling back is powerful. You can revisit the conversation later that day, at bedtime, or during a quiet moment.

If you realize you avoided a question or handled it awkwardly, you can name that too. “I didn’t answer that very well earlier. I want to try again.” That models reflection and growth. Children learn that learning does not end in one conversation.

That follow-up does several important things. It models reflection, and it shows that hard topics are not off limits. It teaches your child that conversations can continue, evolve, and deepen over time.

Many of us were taught that not seeing race was the goal. But ignoring difference does not create fairness. It can unintentionally erase important parts of someone’s identity. Acknowledging difference with respect helps children learn that diversity is not something to avoid, but something to understand.

Dr. Ferguson also spoke about socialization in a way that often gets overlooked. Children learn empathy and perspective through exposure. When their social networks include people who look different from them, live differently from them, or come from different cultural backgrounds, they naturally build understanding. When networks are more limited, opportunities to build that perspective can be limited too.

Children benefit from diverse books, diverse friendships, diverse media, and open conversations that expand their understanding of the world.

It can also help to notice what feels “default” in your home. Whose stories are centered in your bookshelf? Whose experiences are normalized in the media you consume? Expanding perspective often begins with awareness.

Some families may also need to have conversations that prepare children for bias or affirm identity in ways that feel protective and grounding. Other families may need to focus more intentionally on expanding perspective and challenging assumptions. The layers will look different depending on context.

But across all families, the foundation is the same: empathy, clarity, and a willingness to stay engaged.

You do not have to know everything.
You do not have to anticipate every scenario.
You just have to be willing to stay in the conversation.

This Is Everyone’s Work

Black History Month is often framed as a time to celebrate leaders, milestones, and contributions that have shaped our country and our communities. That celebration, representation, and recognition matter deeply.

In my conversation with Dr. Anjali Ferguson, what became clear is that this month can also serve as an invitation to reflect on something quieter and more everyday: how children learn about race long before we think they do, and how much of that learning happens in ordinary interactions.

Dr. Ferguson described how many Black families have long engaged in intentional conversations that prepare children for bias while also building pride and affirmation around identity. That kind of preparation did not begin with a headline or a trending conversation. It has been part of parenting in many communities for generations.

At the same time, she spoke about socialization in a broader sense, how the networks children grow up in shape what feels familiar, what feels “normal,” and whose perspectives are understood. When children are surrounded primarily by people who look and live like they do, their opportunities to build empathy across difference may be limited because of exposure.

Bias does not develop in isolation. It grows within systems, classrooms, media, peer groups, and everyday exchanges. All children move through those environments. All families are part of shaping how those environments are interpreted.

That shaping will not look identical in every home. Context, lived experience, and community all matter. But what remains consistent is that silence leaves interpretation to chance, while intentional conversation creates space for understanding.

Choosing books and media that reflect diverse experiences, expanding social circles when possible, modeling curiosity instead of discomfort, and calmly correcting bias when it appears may seem small in isolation. Over time, those choices accumulate. They influence how children see themselves, how they see others, and what feels possible within their world.

Black History Month offers a natural moment to pause and consider what we are modeling, what we are naming, and what we may be leaving unsaid. Not from a place of guilt, and not from pressure to perform, but from a place of growth and responsibility to the children watching us.

This newsletter only covers part of what we discussed. The full conversation with Dr. Anjali Ferguson explores identity, bias, socialization, and how these moments show up in real families in a thoughtful and honest way.

Children are not too young to notice race. They are young enough to learn empathy, perspective, and respect, especially when we are willing to guide them there.

On The Podcast

As parents, many of us want to raise kind, empathetic kids, but we don’t always feel equipped to talk about race, bias, and identity in everyday life. In honor of Black History Month, this conversation feels especially important. I sit down with culturally responsive therapist Anjali Ferguson to unpack how early children begin noticing differences and how small, ordinary moments shape their understanding of the world.

We talk about the discomfort adults feel, the fear of saying the wrong thing, and why silence often teaches more than we realize. This episode is not about blame. It is about giving families tools to move forward with intention.

Feeding choices carry an enormous emotional weight for new parents, often shaped more by online narratives and cultural pressure than by balanced evidence. In this conversation, we unpack formula guilt, breastfeeding myths, and how distorted risk messaging fuels shame. We talk about how understanding research in context can help parents move away from fear-based thinking and toward informed, values-based decisions that support both parent and baby.

On YouTube

In this video, I break down why kids struggle to listen through a developmental lens and explain what’s actually happening in their brains during those moments. I share practical, real-life language shifts that help your words land without escalating, repeating, or turning into power struggles. My goal is to give you tools that make communication feel calmer, clearer, and more connected for both you and your child.

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!