We recently watched the movie Coco as a family. Anyone who has seen it knows the scene towards the end. I was obviously crying, and my six-year-old was crying as well.

He's always been the kind of kid who cries at movies, and we're really open about feelings in our house. But this time, he got embarrassed about crying. He hid his face in a pillow, and within a minute it turned into full screaming and sobbing. My three-year-old just sat there staring at the TV like, “okay.”

I remember thinking, what just happened here?

My husband is wonderful, but he leans a little more toward "why are you crying?" during movies than I do. Looking back, I think the sad scene was only a small part of it. Crying in a room that didn't feel totally safe to cry in was a lot for his body to handle, and it tipped him over before he could make sense of what he was feeling.

I was still thinking about that moment when I sat down with my friend Laura Petix. Laura, who is neurodivergent, works as a pediatric occupational therapist and is the mother of a neurodivergent daughter. Her book, The Sensory Code, is being published today. Since my son has sensory differences and I had a lot to learn, occupational therapists such as Laura have changed the way I give advice on all sorts of things, including potty training and feeding. And those same sensory differences can apply to how a human processes the world and the emotions they may feel. 

My son is sensitive to both noise and light. If we're traveling, I remove the nightlight from his room, or he'll stare at it all night like a monster. That's a minor switch meant to protect his sleep, and I don't consider it too accommodating. As Laura mentioned, most adults make similar adjustments for themselves all the time. Children aren't in a position to make those kinds of changes by themselves, and most of the time they don't even know what to ask for.

This conversation is for every parent, whether or not your child has a diagnosis. Every child takes in the world a little differently, and for some kids, those differences show up in daily life. In one study of more than 1,700 school kids ages 5 to 11 in Denmark, about 1 in 5 had parent-reported scores suggesting sensory processing difficulties. So some of the behavior that drives us up the wall may actually be telling us what a child's brain and body need.

Laura gave an example many families will recognize: the kid who can't lose a board game. One bad roll of the dice, the board goes flying, and suddenly everyone is a cheater.

Her explanation took me right back to movie night. Losing can bring up embarrassment, which shows up in the body as a hot face or a tight stomach. For kids who are extra sensitive to those signals inside their body, the nervous system can read them as danger and go straight into fight or flight.

She also pointed out that when our kids fall apart, we feel uncomfortable too, and most of us never learned what to do with that. So we ask the child to stop. Laura admitted she did exactly that with her own daughter that weekend too.

I find myself looking at my six-year-old and thinking, you know better, and I also know that it's wrong to snap at my husband after a long day, even though I still do so. It makes very little difference when your body is already flooded.

We look at what should be done (and what shouldn't be added) during a meltdown, how to help your child recognize and give a name to the feelings they have in their body, and what the child who is always climbing, crashing, chewing, or wrestling might actually be trying to communicate. Laura also explains why the after-school meltdown over the wrong cookie is likely nothing to do with the cookie, and how she copes on days when she can't meet her daughter's needs. I really liked her answer to that question.

Still not sure what interoception is, or why we actually have eight senses instead of five? That's exactly what this episode unpacks.

Listen to my full conversation with Laura Petix wherever you get your podcasts. You can grab The Sensory Code now, and if buying a book isn't in the budget right now, Laura suggested asking your local library to stock it.

I am so grateful that you continue to make space for these conversations. If the podcast has been helpful to you, leaving a review wherever you listen is one of the simplest ways to help more parents find the show.

And I always want to hear from you. Reply to this email and let me know what topics, questions, or conversations you would love to hear more about in future episodes.