Count the number of corrections that you make before 9 am.

“Put your clothes on.”
“Don’t touch that.”
“Sit down.”
“Why aren’t you dressed?”
“Stop bothering your sister”
“Listen to me.”

We all need to move things along. We need to correct behavior, set boundaries, and guide our kids. That's part of parenting.

But in the rush to get everyone dressed, fed, out the door, and functioning like semi-reasonable humans, we can end up correcting more than we realize. 

Now think about how that feels on the receiving end. 

Imagine spending your day with your partner and hearing:

“Don’t do that.”"
“Why did you do that?”
“Stop!”
“Not like that.”
“I already told you.” 

Meanwhile, all the things you ARE doing well barely get noticed. 

That would wear on any relationship. You’d probably feel less interested in cooperating with that person, connecting with that person, and maybe even less emotionally safe with them over time. 

Kids are no different. Connection matters, but so does what we choose to notice. Human beings learn more when the behaviors we want to see are noticed and reinforced. Positive reinforcement is powerful and we often miss opportunities to use it because we’re stuck in focusing on what we don’t want to see. 

So instead of noticing what they’re not eating, where they’re not supposed to be pooping during potty training, what they’re not doing that you asked them to do, or why they’re not listening, start noticing what they ARE doing even if it’s a small baby step towards a preferred behavior. 

Notice them showing up to the table. Notice the time they made it to the potty. Notice the morning they got dressed with one less reminder. Notice the moment they used their strong voice instead of whining. The way they handled a "no" just a little better than last time.

Notice the small wins that are easy to miss when you're focused on what still needs work.

Because progress deserves our attention too. And that attention to progress and preferred behavior can lead to more preferred behaviors. 

I say this a lot, and I want it on a sticky note on every fridge:

Kids' behavior goes where parental attention goes.

If you take one thing away from this newsletter, let it be that.

For a child, nothing is more important than your attention. More than the toys and more than the screen. Kids are naturally inclined to look for connection with the adults who keep them safe, and they go to the trouble of trying to get it. 

This means the actions that get your attention are the ones they do the most.  Attention acts as a form of reinforcement, and reinforcement causes behavior to increase.  This is one of the oldest and most consistent in child psychology and provides the basis of almost all the evidence-based behavioral programs that we use in pediatrics.

The issue is that our brains are built in such a way that they focus on problems. This is what psychologists refer to as negativity bias.  As a recent article in Parents/Yahoo on the 5:1 parenting rule pointed out, since the brain picks up on threats and problems more quickly than it does positive ones, parents need to make a conscious effort to notice the good things.

That 5:1 idea comes from Dr. John Gottman's research, which found that stable, healthy relationships run on roughly five positive interactions for every negative one. This concept was studied in couples at first, but the principle also applies to parent-child relationships. Kids cooperate more and act out less when the overall balance of the relationship is warmer.

There is no need to maintain a strict scoreboard since the ratio only acts as a quick judgement, not something you have to work out mathematically.  If the majority of what your child hears from you is corrective feedback, the balance is off, and their behavior will show it.

The entire strategy involves noticing your child when they are doing the behavior you want and pointing it out.

This is not the same as “good job” on repeat.  Praise that has no substance becomes background noise to kids.  What works instead is giving specific and detailed observations:

"You remembered to use walking feet."
"You waited until I finished talking."
"You put your cup in the sink without me asking."
"You were really mad and you kept your hands safe."

All of these examples are descriptions of what is happening rather than compliments.  By holding up a mirror to your child you are showing them exactly what you saw, and this tells them exactly what to do in the future.  Descriptive praise is an essential skill within behavioral parent training programs because it is more effective than simple cheerleading and doesn’t require you to show enthusiasm that you don’t actually feel at 7:42 am.

Also make sure to catch the small wins, not just the end result. Potty training is a good example. Recognizing the urge, stopping play, telling you, and getting some pee in the potty are all separate parts of one skill.  Saying “You’ve finished peeing in the potty! That’s where pee goes” highlights the aspect that your kid is learning, while “You’ve peed in your underwear again?” makes the accident the main focus.

We lose out on almost all of the learning if we only recognize perfection, since new skills develop in stages, not all at once.

This is the part that gets skipped in most "positive parenting" content, and it’s important.

Because attention leads to the development of a behavior, the behavior that attention focuses on (including the ones that drive you crazy) tends to increase.  Whining is a perfect example of this: if a child makes a whiny request, we usually respond with a sigh or a lecture, but if the same request is made in a normal tone, we just give them what they want without saying anything.

Look at that from the child's point of view. Whining earned thirty seconds of parental engagement. The regular voice earned no direct attention. Guess which one their brain finds effective?

The solution is to reverse the direction of the energy. Keep your response to the whine brief and boring: "Try asking me in your strong voice." Then, when the regular voice shows up, be responsive. "Yes, you can have water. Thank you for asking me in that way." Behavior therapists call this differential attention: giving minimal attention to the behavior you want to reduce, and warm, specific attention for the behavior you want to encourage.

Make sure that you don’t accidentally reinforce the meltdown by its volume.  Once a scream has consistently resulted in the child getting a cookie, the negotiation, or twenty minutes of intense one-on-one repair, then screaming will have become the strategy.  It is possible to stay warm and attentive during a tantrum without making the tantrum the most meaningful event of the day.  You can give your child comfort and not give in to the demand.

Don’t only notice things when they go wrong.  Some children will work out that the quickest way to get their parent’s full attention is to cause trouble.  If a child is desperate for positive attention, they’ll seek out negative attention.  Children who act out in order to get attention are generally just very good at economics.

Take proactive measures before the “usual” problems occur.  If it’s hard for your child to stay by the cart in the grocery store, don’t wait until they’ve sprinted down the cereal aisle.  When they are standing by the cart and not running away, acknowledge it by saying, “You’re staying right by the cart.  Thank you so much!” By focusing on prevention, you will have a foundation to work from before having to enter correction mode.

Also just because something is positive doesn't mean it is permissive.  The fact that your child remembered their water bottle and backpack on their own doesn’t mean that you ignore the rest.  “You remembered your backpack and your water bottle all by yourself.  You need your lunchbox too.”  Both parts of that sentence are valid.

Tell your partner, a grandparent, or a friend something genuinely positive about your child while your child is nearby. Don’t say it to them, say it about them.

"He was so frustrated this morning, but he kept trying."
"She helped her brother without me even asking."

Praise that is overheard hits differently than direct praise. Some children feel uncomfortable or try to change the subject when you say it outright to them, but when they hear it without being there themselves, there’s no fear of being seen and no need to question it.  This must be exactly what my Mom/Dad thinks of me.

There are two rules: stay honest and focus on effort or on specific moments rather than giving a performance review.  The goal is just to give them a chance to see you thinking well of them.

I want to slow down for this part because it's the one that touches me most as a pediatrician.

Some children, especially those who have ADHD, are constantly subjected to a steady flow of corrections.

“Stop.”
“You don’t listen.”
“Sit down”
“Don’t touch that one.”

This happens at home, at school, at grandma’s, and at birthday parties too.  For a child whose ability to control impulses and concentrate is already difficult, the amount of corrective feedback they receive in one day can be far greater than the amount that other children hear in one week.  Research has found that parents of children who are hyperactive give their children more orders and criticisms and offer them less attention when the child is behaving properly.  The corrections are loud while cooperation is ignored.

Now think about everything that has been already stated.  Attention leads to behavior and since nearly all the attention is focused on what went wrong, we are pouring water onto weeds.

This is why positive reinforcement is the first step in treatment for kids with ADHD in preschool children, according to the AAP.  The behavioral training that parents learn is mainly based on teaching the parents to notice and reinforce desirable behaviors with specific praise and to reduce the amount of negative feedback.  Many studies have consistently found that these programs lead to improved child behavior and a better parent-child relationship.

For a child with ADHD, "You stopped your body when I reminded you" is not a small thing. It might be the first time all day someone told them they did something right. Acknowledge the effort and the partial win, even if the final product isn't there yet. These kids are working harder than anyone can see, and they deserve to hear about it.

The overhear effect works in both directions:

"He's wild."
"She's difficult."
"He's so stubborn."
"She's my picky eater."

Children pick up on how we talk about them, and they're paying attention much more than we realize. If you keep using a particular label, the child will begin to adopt it.  As for why she won’t try new food? Well, she’s the picky eater.  That’s her role in this family.

A behavior doesn't need to become an identity. There's a real difference between saying to a stranger over your child’s shoulder, “she’s shy,” and later telling her, “I noticed you smiled at her when you were ready.  The first shuts a door; the second leaves it open.

And if you need a way to describe your child in a particular situation, describe the situation.  “He’s having a hard time with transitions lately” tells everybody the same thing as “he’s difficult” without giving your child a nametag.

Pick ONE behavior you're constantly correcting.

Then ask yourself: what's the behavior I want instead? "Stop whining" becomes "ask in your strong voice." "Stop running" becomes "use walking feet." While correction only tells kids where the wall is, reinforcement tells them where the door is.

Then spend the week looking for it. It will feel unnatural at first, partly because of that negativity bias, and partly because the wanted behavior is quiet. Nobody's nervous system flags a child calmly putting on shoes, so you have to actively search for these moments.

That can sound like:

Running inside: "You remembered to use walking feet."
Interrupting: "You waited until I finished talking. Thank you."
Impulsivity: "You stopped your body when I reminded you."
Mornings: "You got your shirt on without me reminding you," instead of narrating everything not yet done.
Picky eating: "You put something new on your plate." "You smelled it." "You tried a tiny taste." Every one of those counts.
Sibling conflict: "I heard you tell your brother you weren't done instead of grabbing it back."
Bedtime: "You stayed in bed after I tucked you in."
Losing a game: "You were disappointed you lost, and you still said good game."
Big feelings: "You were really upset, and your body calmed down."

And at one or two point this week, let them overhear you telling someone else about one of those wins.

One more tip: when you can, include the natural payoff. "You got dressed so quickly that we have ten minutes to play before we leave." “The faster you clean up, the more time we have to read a book.” Help them feel the connection between the behavior and the good thing that follows, because that's the reinforcement that eventually works without you.

None of this means we stop correcting our kids or holding limits. Sometimes the answer is a firm no or a consequence that has to be endured. Kids need boundaries, and they need parents willing to be temporarily unpopular. Use positive reinforcement alongside limits, since it is one reason limits are so effective.  Children cooperate more in relationships that are mostly warm.

But if we're always catching our kids doing something wrong, we may be missing our opportunity to catch them becoming the person we're trying to help them become. The kid who kept trying. The kid who was angry and kept her hands safe.

They're already doing it, in ten-second flashes, all day long.

Behavior goes where parental attention goes. This week, aim yours on purpose.

Hit reply and tell me: what's the ONE behavior you're picking, and what are you going to say when you catch it?

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!