Using Scripts for Parenting

Finding the right words during challenging moments with your child can be tough. That’s where parenting scripts come in–offering convenient and ideal phrases to help you navigate everything from tantrums to bedtime struggles. These scripts can be incredibly effective, which is why they are often offered–including in the PedsDocTalk courses. However, scripts do have their limitations, and I personally see a concern with the online parenting community's strategy of “say this” and “not this” mentality. 

While scripts are helpful, they’re not a one-size-fits-all solution. Every family and child is unique, and it’s important to adapt scripts to fit your specific situation. Recently, an online article provided a timely reminder of this, highlighting the importance of using scripts thoughtfully. It’s also important to remember that sometimes scripts may not feel natural to you–and if they don’t–they won’t work. Because how you say something matters just as much as what you are saying. And if a script isn’t how you would naturally talk, it may come off that way–inauthentic.

The article brings forward the main concern with scripts, which is that they might not always resonate with your unique family dynamics. Scripts can sometimes feel forced or inauthentic, especially if they don’t align with your natural way of speaking or if your child doesn’t respond to them as expected.

An over-reliance on scripts might prevent you from really tuning in to your child’s individual needs while in the moment. Hyperfocusing on what to say and if you’re saying it right may actually be the wrong thing for you at the moment. Instead, the article suggests that parents should use scripts as a starting point but remain flexible, adapting words to fit the situation and their child’s unique personality. Scripts can help parents stay calm and composed, but they shouldn’t replace genuine connection and empathy. It’s crucial to remember that parenting is about building a relationship with your child, and that relationship thrives on authenticity, even when things get messy.

The key to making scripts work for you and your child…

Use scripts as a guide and not a rule

Scripts can be a helpful tool, but don’t feel bound to them. Remember to adapt the language to suit your natural style and your child’s temperament. Sometimes, it’s best to not say the script 100%. It’s okay to veer off-script if that means better connecting with your child. An example that I recently discussed on my social media channels comes to mind. Many online parenting accounts say to ditch “I’m proud of you” and instead lean into “You should be proud of yourself.” As I explain on that reel/TikTok, this is to foster intrinsic motivation (a self-driven desire to succeed) vs relying on intrinsic motivation (a desire to please others, for others’ approval). I think this is great, however, sometimes “I’m proud of you” may just feel more natural. It does to me. I love saying, “I'm proud of you,” but I also know that I can raise my kids with a growth mindset and celebrate their process versus the end product. Remember, scripts are a guide. But, sometimes, you will say the “wrong” thing that really isn’t in fact wrong. Parenting is not all or none, and you can still raise loving, resilient, and intrinsically motivated kids by not always following every script you hear.

Stay present and attuned

While scripts can help in the heat of the moment, try to stay tuned into your child’s needs. Pay particular attention to their verbal and nonverbal cues, and be willing to shift your approach based on what you hear and see.

Prioritize connection over perfection

Don’t stress about delivering the perfect line. Focus on connecting with your child and being emotionally available. Sometimes, simply acknowledging your child’s feelings can be more powerful than a scripted phrase.

Reflect and adjust

After using a script, take a moment to reflect on how it went. Did it seem to help the situation? How did your child respond? Use these reflections to tweak your approach in the future. Do these scripts fit your overall parenting philosophy? If they are working, continue on. If they’re not, consider pivoting and trying a new approach.

Remember…

Scripts can be a helpful tool in your parenting toolkit, but the most important thing is to stay connected with your child and trust your instincts. Children are incredibly perceptive and can often sense when something feels off. They will pick up not just on the words you’re using but also on how you’re delivering them. That’s why it’s important to ensure there is congruence between what you’re saying and how you’re saying it. Just as importantly, you have to believe in what you’re saying. When your tone, body language, and words all align, your child will feel more secure and understood. Authenticity is the true key to effective communication.

When you’re authentic, your words reflect your true feelings and beliefs, which helps to build trust and connection with your child. Congruence, where your verbal and nonverbal cues align, reinforces that authenticity. If what you’re saying matches how you’re saying it, your message becomes clearer and more convincing. This helps children become more receptive to what you’re communicating.

Although the PDT Toddler Courses contain MANY scripts, including a document in each course solely for scripts, the goal is for them to be a guide and not a rule. To learn more about all the PDT courses, check them out!

On The Podcast

The model-minority myth is harmful to our mental health, particularly within immigrant communities. The myth promotes an idealized image of Asian Americans as universally successful, hardworking, and problem-free, which sets unrealistic standards and pressures individuals to conform to a narrow definition of success. I welcome Prachi Gupta to talk about the model-minority narrative and the impact it has on all of us and on the changes needed for future generations.

We discuss:

• How her personal family dynamics led her to investigate the impact of the model-minority myth

• The mental health struggles that come with pressure from parents

• Why we need to provide acceptance and love rather than pressure and perfectionism

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!