When Your Child Says Something Hurtful

If you’ve ever had your child say something that stopped you in your tracks, “I hate you,” “You’re mean,” or even “Go away!” when you’re trying to help, you’re not alone. Those words can catch you off guard, and they can sting, no matter how old your child is.

Sometimes it starts younger than parents expect. A toddler might yell “Go away!” when you stop playtime or say it’s time to leave the park. A preschooler might cry, “I don’t like you!” after you turn off the TV. As kids get older, the words might sound sharper, “I hate you,” or “You’re the worst.” But the message underneath is usually the same: I’m upset, and I don’t know what to do with these big feelings right now.

These moments aren’t signs that your child doesn’t love you or that something’s gone wrong. They’re signs that your child is still learning how to express strong emotions safely, and they’re looking to you to show what that looks like.

When you respond with calm, steady connection, even through the sting, you’re teaching them that relationships can handle frustration. That love doesn’t go away just because feelings get messy.

Why it happens

Kids don’t say “I hate you” or “go away” because they mean it. They say it because they’re still learning how to manage frustration, disappointment, and power struggles, and words become their quickest outlet. The words may change as they grow, but the need underneath stays the same: to feel heard, seen, and safe.

For toddlers and preschoolers, it’s about control and independence. They’re just starting to realize they have their own opinions and emotions, but they don’t yet have the skills to express them calmly. So when you say it’s time to stop playing or leave the park, “Go away!” might come out instead of “I’m not ready to stop having fun.”

For school-aged kids, those words often show up when they feel powerless or misunderstood. It might sound like “I hate you” after you turn off the iPad, or “You’re the worst” when you hold a limit they don’t like. It’s the same emotional experience as a younger child’s tantrum, just with a bigger vocabulary.

And as kids grow into the later elementary years or preteens, the words might carry more sting. That’s because they’re testing the balance between independence and connection. They might be embarrassed, tired, or managing social stress they don’t yet know how to talk about. When you become the safe target for those emotions, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they feel safe enough to let their hardest feelings out with you.

What to do (and what not to do)

When hurtful words fly out, it’s easy to react from the sting. You might feel the urge to shut it down fast, “Don’t talk to me like that!” or defend yourself. But in that moment, your child’s brain is flooded with emotion. They’re not in a place to reason, listen, or learn. What they need most is your steadiness.

Before we talk about what helps, it’s important ot pause on what doesn’t.

What not to do

• Don’t yell or curse back. Matching their intensity teaches that anger gives permission to hurt others.

• Don’t take it literally. “I hate you” isn’t about love. It’s about a feeling they can’t contain.

• Don’t lecture in the heat of it. Their brain can’t absorb a lesson until they’re calm again.

• Don’t pull away love as punishment. Walking off or saying, “I don’t want to talk to you right now” can make them double down next time.

• Don’t drop the boundary just to make the words stop. That teaches that saying something hurtful works.

What to do

Name what you see.

When you name the feeling, you’re showing your child that you see what’s happening underneath their behavior. It helps their nervous system settle, they feel understood instead of dismissed. And the moment you name it, you’re modeling emotional awareness: ‘This is what it looks like to notice my feelings and put words to them.’

Hold the boundary

Boundaries give kids a sense of safety, even when they resist them. It might not look like it in the moment, they may still yell or cry, but holding firm teaches that limits are consistent and that you can handle their big reactions. Over time, that consistency builds trust: your child learns you mean what you say and that the world feels predictable with you in charge.

Stay calm and grounded

Your tone teaches more than your words do. When you respond calmly, you’re showing your child that strong emotions don’t have to lead to chaos. They’re watching how you handle conflict, and eventually, they’ll copy your tone, not your lecture. Even if you feel the sting inside, your calm presence says: “I can handle your big feelings, and you can too.”

Offer security

This reassurance matters. It teaches that love isn’t conditional. It doesn’t vanish when someone is angry or frustrated. When you stay present, even through their pushback, your child learns that relationships can weather hard moments. That message becomes part of their emotional blueprint: love can hold steady even when things feel messy.

Circle back later

This follow-up moment is where real learning happens. Once your child is calm, their brain is ready to reflect. Talking about what happened helps them connect the dots between feelings, words, and impact, and gives you both a chance to repair. You’re not just mending hurt feelings. You’re teaching empathy, accountability, and that every relationship can come back to safety.

Repair isn’t about pretending the outburst didn’t happen or minimizing the hurt. It’s about showing that conflict doesn’t erase connection. When you return to the moment with warmth and curiosity, you teach your child that strong emotions don’t break love, and that you can talk about hard things without shame or fear.

And if you lost your calm too? That’s okay. Coming back to say, “I shouldn’t have raised my voice earlier. I was frustrated, and I’m sorry,” models what accountability and self-regulation look like. It shows that both of you are still learning and that the relationship is strong enough to hold mistakes on both sides.

These conversations don’t just smooth things over in the moment. They build your child’s long-term capacity to repair, empathize, and trust that love stays steady, even when feelings run high.

A personal story

When Ryaan was closer to five, he was upset with me for setting a boundary. My husband was at work, and I was home alone with the kids. In the middle of his frustration, he blurted out, “I don’t like you. I don’t like mommy time.”

It stung. Especially because “mommy time” is something we usually love. I responded, “I know you’re upset, and I know you don’t mean it.”

Then he said, “You’re not my twinnie.” This is a phrase that usually makes us both smile because we often joke about how we are so alike. He said it to get a reaction or a rise out of me. But instead of joining in, I reminded him again, “You can say that, but I still love you every day. I always love you.”

Later that night, when things had settled, we talked about it. I told him how it made me feel, “I know you were really frustrated earlier, but it hurt my feelings when you said you didn’t like mommy time. I love Ryaan time. I love spending time with you and Vera.”

That conversation helped him see that words have power. And it reminded both of us that love and repair go hand in hand. That you can be honest about your feelings. That connection stays through conflict.

Reading between the lines

When hurtful words start to show up often, it can help to step back and look for patterns. Do they tend to happen at the end of a long day? Around transitions, like leaving the park or turning off the TV? When your child is hungry, tired, or just craving attention after school?

These moments are often less about defiance and more about emotional capacity. Kids don’t have endless patience, and frustration comes faster when their tank is empty. Honestly, that’s true for adults too. Most of us have said something we didn’t mean when we were exhausted, hungry, or stretched too thin.

When you can spot those patterns, you can add small supports, like giving a five-minute warning before a transition, offering a snack before homework, or planning extra connection time before bed. These little adjustments don’t remove frustration entirely, but they make it easier for your child to handle disappointment without their words turning into weapons.

It doesn’t mean the “I hate you” moments will disappear overnight, but you’ll start to see what’s really underneath them: I’m overwhelmed, and I need help finding my calm again.

Final thoughts

When your child says something hurtful, it can take your breath away. But these moments don’t define your relationship. They reveal how much growing and learning is still happening on both sides.

You’re teaching your child what it looks like to handle conflict without losing connection. Every time you stay calm, hold the boundary, and circle back with love, you’re showing them that emotions don’t have to be feared. They can be understood, repaired, and moved through together.

And even when it hurts (because yes, it will sometimes), you can remember: it’s not about being unshakable. It’s about being steady enough to remind your child that love doesn’t go away just because feelings get messy.

That’s what they’ll remember most, not the outburst itself, but the way you stayed.

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