WTF Are They Doing? A Developmental Decoder for Ages 5 to 10

I have a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old going on 13, IYKYK.

Some days it feels like I'm parenting a little kid and a teenager under the same roof, and somehow neither parenting "manual" applies to either child on any given Tuesday.

There's a weird shift that happens once kids hit school age. They sound older. They can tell you exactly when and why something isn't fair. Remember the promises you made 3 weeks ago. Make arguments that have you questioning whether maybe a later bedtime actually IS reasonable.

But then they still melt down over the wrong shirt. Or completely fall apart over a simple mistake.

Their ability to reason starts to look more "grown-up" before their emotional regulation does, and I think that's one of the biggest mismatches that can cause frustration for parents. We see this kid who can make logical arguments, and so you think, you clearly understand this, so why are we here... again?

Five was actually one of the hardest years with our son. SO many big feelings. So many Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moments. He could be thoughtful, reasonable, and incredibly mature one minute, and completely lose it over something seemingly tiny the next.

And when parents bring these behaviors up, they often hear, "Oh yeah, that's normal for this age."

And yes, it can be. But developmentally normal doesn't mean we don't guide it.

I think we sometimes forget that our school-age kids are still kids. They still need us to teach them how to handle frustration, disappointment, anger, impulse control, and limits. They still need behavior guidance. The difference is that how we guide them needs to grow with them.

It's also a big part of why I'm writing a book about limit setting from the toddler years through age 10. The way we hold a limit has to change as our kids do.

Somewhere between kindergarten and middle school, many parents start asking some version of, "Why is my child so rude?" I get asked this all the time, and I've asked it myself too.

A lot is changing developmentally between ages 5 and 10, and much of the behavior that feels random starts making more sense when you know what their brain is working on behind the scenes.

And this is my favorite part: child development. Because understanding why a behavior is happening doesn't mean we excuse it. It helps us know how to respond to it.

So let's look at some of the behaviors you may see at each age, why they're happening, and what our kids need from us when they show up.

And one important note: not seeing these behaviors isn't a red flag. These are common patterns you may see, not milestones every child needs to hit

Age 5: Everything is impossible and somehow it wasn’t their fault

5 is a very interesting age, because kids really do suddenly seem so capable. They’re learning more, doing more independently, and having real, detailed conversations.

They’re also still 5. So you may notice: 

• A small problem becomes an emergency.

• Someone else is responsible for almost every mistake.

• “It just happened” becomes a common explanation.

• Their reaction feels much bigger than what happened to cause it.

At this age, thinking can still be very black and white. So when something goes wrong or not their way, there isn’t that grey space or space for understanding. And taking responsibility for a mistake can feel much bigger than just saying, “It was me.”

For many 5-year-olds, I did something wrong can feel like I am bad. Blaming someone else is an easier way to avoid that feeling.

One of the biggest ways to help them through this is to avoid turning the moment into a cross-examination. If your 5-year-old knocks over the cup and immediately blames their sister, skip the 10-minute conversation about how they’re lying.

Instead, lean calmly on the facts: “The cup spilled when you pushed it. Let’s clean it up.”

If they’re completely overwhelmed by something that seems small to you, start with, “That felt really hard.” Sometimes that moment of feeling heard is enough to help them settle and figure out what comes next.

The responsibility stays with them. We’re just helping them learn that making a mistake is something they can survive, repair, and move on from.

Ages 6 to 8: They’ve started inspecting the rules

This is where things get fun because your child stops running into boundaries and starts to examine and negotiate the boundary. This might look like:

• Rule lawyering and finding technicalities in what you said.

• A LOT of “That’s not fair.”

• Detailed comparisons to others, including siblings, friends, neighbors

• Arguments contain more true logic, so you might find yourself admitting they have a point.

• That same logical child is crying 10 minutes later

Ages 6 to 8 are often described as the industry years, when kids are beginning to feel capable and discovering that they can figure things out and learn skills.

Their logical thinking is developing too. Fairness becomes an area of focus. Social comparisons pick up as they watch and notice what other kids do and how rules work.

So when your 7-year-old points out a flaw in your rule, they’re probably just genuinely thinking through the logic of it. But that doesn’t mean they can access the logic when they’re already upset. Logic shows up before emotional steadiness does. And even that is hard for adults too sometimes.

This is why I like talking about expectations before we’re in the middle of enforcing them. Explain the reason when everyone is calm. Keep it short and honest. Answer their questions. 

Then, when pushback comes, you don’t have to keep trying to come up with new evidence. Instead, “I hear what you’re saying. The limit is still the same. We can talk about it more later.”

Their question at this age is really, “Does this make sense?” We can teach them how and why things work while still being the adult who is responsible for the final decision.

Age 8: A quick zoom in

I want to pause specifically at 8 because this is something so many parents notice.

Where did that TONE come from? And the eye roll?

The sharp response that makes you wonder who moved into your house while you weren’t looking. It can feel very personal because, well, they’re saying it directly to our face.

Some of this is the same inspection of the rules we just covered, but now it’s expressed in language (verbal and non-verbal). They’re learning how much pushback a relationship can hold. They’re experimenting with expressing frustration, disagreement, and independence, and sometimes the delivery is… a bit rough.

You can address how they’re speaking without making the tone the entire focus of the fight. “I hear you’re frustrated. Try saying that again without the tone, and I’m happy to listen.” And then give them a chance to try again.

I want my kids to learn they’re allowed to disagree with me. I also want them to learn how to communicate those disagreements respectfully. Both skills take practice and time. 

Ages 9 to 10: “But why is that still the rule?”

By 9 and 10, the arguments can become impressively sophisticated. Something like:

• Well-reasoned negotiations.

• Requests for exceptions because “things are different now.”

• Rules being challenged.

• Comparisons between siblings.

• Credible supporting evidence as to why something seems unfair.

This is where identity, independence, and having a say start taking up more space. They’re starting to understand other people’s point of view. Abstract thinking is beginning to develop more. Friends and peers start taking more of an influence in their behavior and decisions. And independence starts to feel very important to them. 

At this age, they’re not only asking what the rule is, but why it exists and if it seems fair. Or whether there are exceptions. And sometimes they’ll point out something worth considering. Maybe the situation or their capabilities have changed.

That doesn’t mean we renegotiate in the middle of the argument. This is something I’d much rather discuss later when everyone is calm and we can logically revisit if there is something to reconsider.

I truly want a 10-year-old who can respectfully say, “I don’t agree witht this and here’s why.” They can disagree with a limit and still need to follow through. They can advocate for themselves and still hear no.

As they get older, I think it’s increasingly important that they experience some real influence over their lives. We can explain our reasoning, listen to theirs, and be flexible when it makes sense. With the final call still belonging to us.

The line I’m trying to retire: “You’re too old for this.”

My husband and I have absolutely landed here too, so there is no judgment coming from me. Your 9-year-old is melting down over something that seems very minor, and the thought comes out before you even realize you’re saying it:

“You’re too old to be acting like this.”

Okay, but hear me out. Imagine you’re really upset about something and your partner looks at you and says, “You’re 38. You’re way too old to be this upset.” Has anyone in the history of relationships responded with, “Excellent point. I feel completely regulated. Let me get my emotions in check.” 

I don’t think so. Because being reminded of your age doesn’t make a feeling disappear. For a child, it can add embarrassment on top of what they were already feeling. And this is even more important to keep in mind once kids start seeming older:

Development isn’t one straight line. Not for anyone.

A child can be incredibly capable and still struggle with frustration. They can have great judgment, but lose access to it when they’re tired or overstimulated.

Older kids still get overwhelmed. Don’t we all? 

Instead of “You’re too old for this,” I’m trying to get curious about what’s happening:

We can still hold the boundary, we just don’t need to shame them for struggling while we do it.

My final message: Your school-age kid is still a kid

As kids grow, the thing they’re working out changes. At 5 so much of it’s learning that frustration and mistakes are survivable. Around 6-8, they’re looking harder at rules, fairness, whether something makes sense. By 9 and 10, they’re asking where their voice fits and how much of a say they get in the world around them.

That’s also why the same limits don’t exist the same way at 3, 7, and 10. 

And yes, my book about loving limits I mentioned is coming in 2028, which honestly feels like 100 years away, but it’s a labor of love, and it will so be worth it! This newsletter will be the first place I tell you when it’s finally ready for the world.

Until then, let’s keep reminding ourselves: They’re still kids, and they’re still learning. They need room to grow, and they need us to hold steady while they do.

Ask Dr. Mona

An opportunity for YOU to ask Dr. Mona your parenting questions!

Dr. Mona will answer these questions in a future Sunday Morning Q&A email. Chances are if you have a parenting concern or question, another parent can relate. So let's figure this out together!