Ask Dr. Mona

It can throw parents off when a child who’s always slept well suddenly needs more from us at bedtime. Around three, imagination and awareness start to bloom, and that same creativity that fuels pretend play can also spark nighttime fears. Even if nothing “scary” happened, her brain is now capable of imagining it, which can make darkness feel different. Normal developmentally, but still draining in real life.

The key here is finding the balance between support and independence. Your daughter is saying, “I need reassurance,” but you can offer that comfort without undoing her independent sleep skills. Think of it as a slow handoff: from “I’m right next to you” to “I’m still here, but you can do the falling asleep part.”

Here are a few ways to get there:

• Shift from full presence to gentle presence. If she wants you nearby, start by sitting in a chair or on the floor by the door instead of in her bed. Keep your body language calm and… boring. The less interesting you are, the less she’ll need you to stay.

• Create a predictable “I come back” pattern. Short, timed check-ins (“I’ll be back in two minutes”) help her trust that you’re still connected, even when you step out. Over time, stretch the minutes as she gains confidence.

• Name what’s happening. A simple reminder, like, “Your room is safe. Your imagination is growing, and sometimes that makes nighttime feel different,” can normalize her feelings and help her brain settle.

• Keep the routine consistent. Familiar steps signal safety. The only thing changing is how much you stay, not where she falls asleep.

If she melts down, it’s not a sign you’ve failed. It just means this is harder for her right now. Stay steady and keep pairing the boundary: “You’re safe to fall asleep in your bed,” with connection:  “I know nighttime feels a little tricky right now.”

For more on why these fears pop up, and how to ease them without creating new sleep habits, check out this PedsDocTalk Newsletter on nighttime fears. And if bedtime has started feeling like a full-on negotiation, this PedsDocTalk YouTube video walks through the most common causes of toddler bedtime battles and how to make evenings smoother for everyone.

This is such a relatable challenge. Independence doesn’t grow in a straight line, and even when a child can do something, they won’t always want to. A lot of this ties back to temperament. Some kids push for independence early, and others need a little more closeness before their body feels ready to try. And when they’re tired, overwhelmed, or wanting connection, they may default to “help me” even with tasks they’ve mastered.

A few strategies to shift the pattern without turning it into a power struggle:

Start with the tiniest step. Instead of handing her the whole task, give her one simple job. “You open the velcro, and I’ll help with the back.” Tiny starts feel doable, and once she’s moving, she may surprise you with how much she takes on.

Lead with connection first. Kids work best when their nervous system feels steady. A quick dose of warmth can go a long way: “I know this feels like a lot right now. I’m right here. You start, and I’ll stay close.” Once she’s regulated, the motivation usually follows.

Offer a choice that still keeps things moving. “Do you want to try it now, or when the timer beeps?” or “Do you want to put your socks on in your room or by the door?” Choices give her a sense of control without dropping the expectation.

Give partial help in a predictable way. “I’ll help for 3 seconds, and then it’s your turn.” Kids this age often need a warm handoff, not an all-or-nothing switch.

These patterns are incredibly common at this age. The goal isn’t to make every task smooth, it’s to help her feel capable again while still giving her the connection she’s asking for. With consistency, connecting, and tiny wins, you’ll see the shift.

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